If I smoke and I hate that I smoke and struggle to quit, I’m not also searching out a partner who smokes. I am trying to find a partner that makes me want to be a better version of myself and that means not smoking

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There are plenty of reasons for this — many people want partners to have traits that they don’t have. For example, a man might also find it unattractive is a woman is ambitious, or crass. A woman might find men who communicate indirectly to be frustrating. Sometimes it’s gender roles, sometimes it’s projection, and sometimes it’s merely incompatibility.

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