Anonymous OP 8w

That could get her followed and killed it’s happened to many times

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Anonymous OP 8w

Some guys haven’t been creeped on before and have no concept of what it feels like, and I feel like sometimes those people are dangerous. Thankfully this is an interaction on YY bc we’re about 3 comments away from him potentially trying to get in your pants

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Anonymous #1 8w

No wait, I’m thinking about that now🤢

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Anonymous #6 8w

Men who say/do things without the consideration of how gender may play a role, clearly have no emotional or even mental maturity.

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Anonymous #9 8w

…but I still find it sad to see how dismissive people can be of even the possibility of a healthy relationship where one partner is older. I don’t think that an age gap makes a relationship bad, I think a relationship being bad makes a relationship bad. Regardless of age, a relationship can be healthy or not, and that’s up to the people within it. Of course that’s just my own experience, and I’m open to being mistaken.

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Anonymous #2 8w

Hey #2, #9 here! As I explained in my other comment, I (somewhat briefly) dated a 26 year old when I was 18 and found the whole thing to be very formative and positive. Although in some ways we were in very different places, I felt I really connected with her on a philosophical/emotional level...

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Anonymous #9 8w

I’m replying because I see you’ve said there’s no reason anyone 21+ should date someone 18. Of course this is very distressing to hear given my experience. I want to dismiss it but I know you’re a psych major so you probably know more about human relationships than me. Am I interpreting your statements too literally (as in what you meant to say was it is unlikely for a relationship with an age gap to be healthy, not impossible)? If not, what am I missing? Thank you for your time!

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Anonymous #9 8w

Hi! Yes I think you interpreted it as an absolute (and my wording could’ve been better) but there might be sometimes you do connect with someone older/younger but a relationship dynamic at that stage in life (typically) will not last. As you are in two diff growth stages. A 26 year old going after an 18 year old for a romantic/sexual relationship is a major red flag BUT I am glad that it wasn’t for you.

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Anonymous #9 8w

However I do see you as being very emotional mature and they may have been why y’all clicked so well. The simplest way I can explain this is that there is no “one size fits all” in psychology, no absolutes. Only statistics showing how often something does or doesn’t happen. As each humans development is different, with way to many factors to process without a deep dive into the life of said person. I also think age gaps can work when development is achieved, but they just aren’t likely too.

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Anonymous #9 8w

I would ask yourself at 18 would you have any intimate relationships with someone 8 years younger than you? or even 4? The answer should be no, as the brains aren’t developed the same. If you were 26 and met someone 34 it might be different as the brain should be fully developed at that stage in life. But 18-20 your brain is still thinking (or coming out of) your child stages (teens) and not able to process that of someone who is past the “learning” stages—

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Anonymous #9 8w

— or what I like to call the “figure your shit out phase” lol I mostly study abnormal psych/trauma (behavioral analysis is my speciality tho) so I can’t really speak too much on ages after 25 (as that’s not in my field of study) and also so sorry this is so long lol, I would talk to a therapist about why/how you connected with someone that much older (bc 9/10 times it stems from children growing up to quickly due to trauma) but remember there’s NO absolutes!!!

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Anonymous #9 8w

Hi #9 this is #2 it is very very very highly likely that you were indeed groomed (as your brain may not process it like that) I don’t think all age gaps are necessarily bad but age gaps through different developmental stages is not good, and that’s what I think everyone is speaking on. I recommend finding a therapist you can confide in to delve into the why/how of what you just explained. BUT I would like to point out that you had consented (and OP didn’t)

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Anonymous #2 8w

And also that OP’s situation was strictly an older dude making sexual comments towards someone freshly 18 and that is NOT okay, but that your description of your friendship was more emotional and that’s a huge factor in why something is morally wrong/right. So sorry to reply to both of your comments I just wanted to give a little more feedback.

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Anonymous #2 8w

Well thank you for thinking I’m emotionally mature 😅 This all makes a lot of sense and helps me better understand what you’re putting forward. It’s true I’ve always been an unorthodox person, so it makes sense I’d find myself in relationships that may not work for others. I just recently found a therapist so I’ll def bring this up with her, but it’s good to know that it’s possible for the relationship to have been healthy, just maybe statistically surprising. I appreciate the long response!

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Anonymous #9 8w

Ofc! I’m glad to have shed some light and as a little weirdo myself I can sorta understand. I wish you well on your journey!

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Anonymous #2 8w

Ahh see I never actually saw the original thread, so I just filled in the gaps with my past experience and assumed it was more romantic than sexual. I do wonder though, is it really the age that’s the issue here? I feel like unwanted sexual advances are bad regardless of age. I guess the advances could be unwanted (or more likely to be unwanted) in virtue of the age, but then it would still be the unwantedness that fundamentally makes the situation bad.

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Anonymous #9 8w

I mean the age is DEF a factor (as seen by all the upvotes) bc of the sheer fact of that age gap being inappropriate for anything sexual/romantic but yes the unwanted sexualization of a young person is also a factor. I believe you think very one track mind type and in reality all the above is the reasons and not just one or the other. It’s not just the age gap and it’s not just the sexualization.

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Anonymous #9 8w

Also unwanted anything is never a good thing honestly, after being told once it shouldn’t happen again (for most cases)

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Anonymous #9 8w

I want to make sure it’s clear I’m not trying to justify or make excuses for unwanted advances, instead I’m suggesting they’re just as bad even without an age gap (or hell, even if the aggressor is younger)

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Anonymous #2 8w

Oh it looks like you replied while I was typing my follow up comment, give me a sec 😅

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Anonymous #9 8w

Haha my bad !! I’ll wait :)

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Anonymous #2 8w

You’re totally good, I’m a slow typer. It sounds like you came around to my position in the end, that the unwanted nature is what’s making the scenario bad. I definitely have a very one track type mind so good read there. I really do think there is fundamentally one thing that’s making things bad here (i.e. the unwantedness) and anything else is only bad insofar as it contributes towards that one thing.

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Anonymous #9 8w

Going to add a part two in a moment

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Anonymous #10 8w

And honestly, I’m thankful I had a female boss who protected me. I don’t know if a male would’ve done the same.

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Anonymous #9 8w

Maybe the more neurotypical way of phrasing this is the following: in this scenario of unwanted advances, the age gap is bad because it contributes to the unwantedness. Also, even if the there wasn’t an age gap in the same scenario, it would still be just as bad because unwanted anything is bad. [I am now done responding :)]

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Anonymous #9 8w

I agree to all the above! I do find the way you list things out in levels fascinating. I think we are saying the same thing just in different words. (I’m autistic so typing tones are hard for me) also haha I’m a very fast thinker/typer I’m always observing and always go go go so it’s nice to slow down and have deep conversations, never apologize for being a slow typer. Thoughtfulness over rushed answers is a good quality to have.

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Anonymous #9 8w

If you want to dm me feel free to I have enjoyed this conversation, if not I wish you well on your journey! :)

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Anonymous #2 8w

Well thank you! I’m glad I was able to give you time for a more reflective conversation. I think you’re spot on with us saying the same thing with different words. It’s been wonderful talking with you!

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