Ask Men on Yik Yak | PLEASE quit using sex as a bargaining chip. I hate when people do this; it makes the act less about intimacy and more of a transaction of pleasure.

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Ask Men 5w

PLEASE quit using sex as a bargaining chip. I hate when people do this; it makes the act less about intimacy and more of a transaction of pleasure.

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172

Anonymous 5w

What men fail to understand is that if you don’t treat a woman right they’re not going to want to have sex with you. That’s not bargaining.

Anonymous 5w

Hi OP of original post here. So i'm not really trying to use it as a bargaining chip. It's more like, if he did the things that would make me feel loved and comfortable with him, maybe I would feel like I want to try something that's so out of my comfort zone.

Anonymous 5w

Tbf, op of the other post giving head would never be about intimacy as they have mentioned they are uncomfortable doing so. Might as well get smth out of an uncomfortable situation. They can be intimate during sex when they both enjoy the action

Anonymous 5w

I hate the advice given on that thread. Things like texting your partner back or not canceling plans aren’t special privileges— your partner should already be doing those things from day one. And no one should ever feel like they need to perform a sexual act they are uncomfortable with to receive these things— not for a partner, nor spouse

Anonymous 5w

This post is dumb as fuck. I’m amazed that it has as many upvotes as it does. It seems like everybody understood what OP was saying except you. If she isn’t being treated well then that’s why she’s not being intimate with him. Meanwhile, your ass is over here saying that she’s trying to conflate the two when that’s not what she was necessarily doing. If you treat me like shit, I’m not going to want to touch you. Has nothing to do with being a “bargaining chip,” morons.

Anonymous 5w

if my friend consistently shows up for me, i’m going to be more likely to deal with some discomfort and drive them to the airport at 5am than i would be for a friend that doesn’t. if i’m with a partner that values me and makes me feel loved, i’m going to be more willing to try things outside my comfort zone during sex than i would be for a casual hookup. people naturally have a desire to reciprocate the care they receive. this isn’t about a transaction, it’s about emotions.

Anonymous 5w

“Might as well get something out of an uncomfortable situation” is exactly how a guy would think about using normal relationship things against their partner for not wanting their fallice in their mouth lol

Anonymous

#2 5w

Not to be disrespectful but do you see how that seems transactional? You give me this, and I do this. If your boyfriend is not making you feel special then solve said issue THEN do the special things for him. It should not be a reward system; because then what happens when he does the behavior but theres no reward. Then he will quit doing those things again. Does that make sense?

Anonymous

#3 5w

What women fail to realize is that they should be treated right regardless of if they’re getting sex. The two should not be intertwined.

⚒️

Anonymous

OP 5w

What op is saying is that a healthy relationship where she feels loved/comfortable/safe is beneficial for them both like how it would improve sex life for them. I don’t think that’s using it as a reward system at all but just the general concept of relationships of “if my partner feels their needs are being met, they are more likely to go out of their way to show affection to me”

Anonymous

OP 5w

you misunderstood

Anonymous

OP 5w

That’s a valid point on its own, but it’s addressing a different issue, the original comment was about how mistreatment can affect attraction, not about whether kindness should be conditional on sex

Anonymous

#6 5w

I wish more people understood mistreatment definitely does affect attraction. Like, have you ever heard of demisexuality? 😭 If there’s no emotional connection, I’d feel repulsed at the idea of it. If there’s a strain in the relationship, I’d not have sex unless we felt connected again. I’m pretty much asexual if that connection doesn’t exist.

Anonymous

#3 5w

I’m sex-repulsed asexual, and it’s honestly horrifying the amount of people who think it’s right to “convince me” to be having sex with them. “Sex is an important part of intimacy.” ITS NOT INTIMACY IF THE ONE PERSON HATES IT AND FEELS GUILTED INTO IT

Anonymous

#7 5w

Literally, it’s intimacy only to them but not the other person😭 (minus the fewer asexuals who do like sex for the emotional intimacy of it)

Anonymous

mother_russia 5w

Yeah but what op is saying is- and what the op of the other post seems to be struggling with is this: there are clearly underlying issues in their relationship that need to be dealt with first. The idea of I’d feel more comfortable exploring after feeling appreciated is fine! But the sex shouldn’t not be the end goal if they already feel uncomfortable, the fixing the issue should be and the guy shouldn’t be motivated only by/ and through sex - but by his love for the op of the other post

⚒️

Anonymous

#9 5w

Yes there are definitely other things wrong in the relationship, but the thing that oOP is missing isn’t “don’t do transitional sex” it’s “you boyfriend isn’t caring for you and you don’t need to try to save the relationship” and shaming her for trying to find a way to make the relationship work isn’t helping at all and is really missing her point

Anonymous

mother_russia 5w

Me when I say the thing I just said

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Anonymous

OP 5w

No, I don't see how it's transactional. I'm saying if I felt loved, cared for, supported, and comfortable then I would feel okay to try something new that is out of my comfort zone. I need to feel secure with my relationship if something like that is going to happen.

Anonymous

#11 5w

PRECISELY

Anonymous

#2 5w

i think op missed the key part where you said “maybe i’d FEEL better about doing smthn”, not “maybe i WOULD do smthn”. good on you for standing by your boundaries with your bf! but i think instead of telling him to treat you better (the bare minimum honestly), you would be happier finding someone that already does <3

Anonymous

#7 5w

Yeah the advice on that thread was garbage but Mother Russia cooked lol thankfully. I’m just glad people came to OPs defense because why were they trying to make her feel guilty for not wanting to sleep with her partner when he hasn’t been treating her the best? Gross. Ask men took a huge L on this one

Anonymous

#10 5w

Idk exactly what others said but my point is that the OP shouldn’t have to offer something for proper treatment. The man should be doing kind things and being sweet WITHOUT the benefit of getting laid. Idk how this got twisted into the OP being shamed. It’s advice for the long term that she is creating an expectation that she doesn’t realize is being made, and in the long run it will harm her. Everyone is missing my point here😭

Anonymous

OP 5w

It is fine that there is a correlation between sexual activities and treatment in a relationship, HOWEVER, when she was planning to tell him that it comes off as an offer to him. Changing the conversation from correlation to causation which is what you DONT want in a relationship. A man shouldn’t get you flowers hoping to get lucky, it should be to make you happy. Does that make sense? Fix the issues but don’t connect them with sex. She should just tell him the behavior she doesn’t like instead.

Anonymous

OP 5w

unfortunately because you didn’t say the man should be doing things without the benefit of getting laid, or warn her about the precedent, your post came across like you were putting more of the onus on HER to not make sex less about intimacy, instead of making an overall comment on the harmful parts of her relationship

Anonymous

#11 5w

I said that in my first reply but nobody understood what i was saying ig

Anonymous

OP 5w

yes i think that first reply was probably unclear. now that you’ve clarified in your last two messages i understand what you meant

Anonymous

#11 5w

Yeah I’m personally waiting till marriage which is especially rare for a guy so i see things a little differently I guess. I just see women a lot of the time use their body as a way to try and change a man treating them poorly, and I think that’s something that should be changed. My freshman year I saw so many girls give up their virginity just because they wanted a guy to like them back. Like that breaks my heart😭

Anonymous

OP 5w

yeah, it is really sad. women are taught that the best thing they have to offer is their bodies, and a lot of the time that’s the only thing men care about. so they accept his affection for her body as actual affection towards her, because it’s “close enough” (it’s really not). guys who are only interested in sex tend to lead women on until they get to have sex with her, and then tend to withdraw affection if they don’t get that.