Anonymous #1 7w

We've been dating for years and this has just randomly happened recently. The sex has never been great tbh but I've never minded much but recently it's been like actually bad. The issue is he either can't stay hard or cums right away so it's not anything he can control or fix but it's still super frustrating

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Anonymous OP 7w

Maybe try and help him rather than just being like “that’s a you problem lmao bye”. Women are always the ones telling me there are other better ways to get them off than with a dick. He could see a doctor about it but you literally can just do oral and use fingers and toys

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Anonymous #2 7w

No no no i literally have been asking if there's anything I can do and he says no. I've been giving him head and trying to literally do anything. I'm confused why all of the sudden this is a new issue. I'm just frustrated because it's affecting his confidence too which makes the whole vibe off. I'm being as supportive and nice as I can about it I know it's not in his control but you know after a few months it's still frustrating. I have never thought of it as just a him problem

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Anonymous #2 7w

Tbh he usually can't make me cum anyways and most of the time I don't mind because I love him and sex is still good because I love him and it's intimate and still fun but recently it's been bad sex and bad vibes because he's self conscious which is just like not fun for anyone and I feel like there's nothing I can do to help

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Anonymous OP 7w

In my experience, after I finish the first time it’s easier to last longer a the second time or if the sex is frequent enough, I know maybe not what you wanted to hear but it does help me, honestly that’s the only advice I got tho and I know it’s not very helpful😐

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Anonymous #2 7w

Like atp it's not even really about me finishing. It's that we can't even actually have sex either because his dick isn't able to be hard or he cums in 3 seconds and because the vibe is so off because he's stressed about performing now like it has mostly nothing to do with me finishing at all idk if that makes more sense

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Anonymous #3 7w

Yeah idk we've tried to do a second round but then he just hasn't been able to get hard. It just feels like nothing I'm trying to do to help is working and it's making me feel bad too

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Anonymous OP 7w

It seems like there’s something on his mind or something stressing him out externally that really needs to be addressed. The lack of initial performance also making more pressure for him to perform ends up compounding with this and making more difficult. This is a common enough problem actually. I would try talking to him to see what other things in his life are stressing him out. As for the sex, trying to just be intimate and affectionate without any expectations of anyone finishing may help-

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Anonymous #4 7w

Especially with a big focus on foreplay and having fun with it

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Anonymous #1 7w

First off, it has NOTHING to do with you. “Failing to get him hard” does NOT mean he doesn’t find you attractive or whatever. (One time I was with the hottest woman I’ve ever seen and I still couldn’t get it up. I also had this problem with my long term gf (who I loved) at some points too). It’s ALL mental stress.

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Anonymous #1 7w

Second, it SUCKS for him. Like it’s genuinely soul-crushing. As a man, it literally feels like you’re broken. It absolutely KILLS your confidence, and no amount of “it’s okay!” truly helps the feeling (you should still say that, but it doesn’t really help).

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Anonymous #1 7w

Third, as pointed out, it’s a cycle. Can’t get hard > more stressed out > even less likely to get hard > etc. Then, you’re trying so hard to like “be in the moment” and appreciate how hot/sexy your girl is (so that you’ll get hard), that when you finally do get hard, you cum instantly…. Which is just as demoralizing.

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Anonymous #1 7w

Fourth- yes the vibe is off, because the idea of sex is now EXTREMELY stressful to him. He wants to try because this is a chance for him to break the streak/ “function properly”….. but it’s also one more chance to fail AGAIN.

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Anonymous #1 7w

SO. What he needs are some “wins”. It will take several “wins” to start getting his confidence back. Once he gets his confidence back, he won’t be so stressed, and he’ll get even better and better.

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Anonymous #1 7w

There’s no easy “fix” unfortunately. What I’d suggest, is try to removing some of the stress on him. Idk how well you two communicate, but you’ve gotta address this. Say i know youve been stressed by this, how about we just do some foreplay?

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Anonymous #1 7w

Say at the start that you do NOT want to have sex and you don’t care if he gets hard, but that you’re horny and and just want to be intimate and want to do foreplay (mostly on you). Make out and have him feel you up/squeeze/etc, be all breathy/moan and just make it like you’re so into him and you’ve loving this.

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Anonymous #1 7w

Now, i promise you, even though you say that you don’t want sex, the ENTIRE time you’re making out he’s gonna be thinking “am I hard yet?” The whole time. So he probably won’t get hard cuz he’s still stressed.

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Anonymous #1 7w

Ideally, you are enjoying it and maybe have him finger/ do oral on you. And honestly? Have a fake orgasm. Just do it. Don’t rush it, do it properly. Just do that. Make him feel like he was able to please you without his dick. Then end that session. Just say that was so good, then lay your head on his chest and cuddle into him.

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Anonymous #1 7w

Repeat this several times. If you do that enough and he don’t feel like he needs to get hard, that takes out some of the stress. And Hopefully at some points he actually gets hard! But when he does, do NOT jump into having sex. It’ll stress him and he’ll just get soft again. Instead, ignore it at first. Maybe later grab him a bit down there. Fondle him a bit, etc.

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Anonymous #1 7w

Next session, if he gets hard again and seems to stay hard a bit longer, give him a bit of a handjob. But like ease into it if that makes sense. Then next session, give him a blowjob, and hopefully he cums, and act all happy that he came (even if it was very quick), like you like making him cum. Do all this for several sessions, with no expectation of sex. Hopefully relieved some stress.

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Anonymous #4 7w

Yeah clearly something is up but he says he doesn't know why it's happening and I'm trying to be supportive and not put pressure on it and I've told him I'm not upset with him and I know he can't control it but I sorta feel like there's nothing more I can do idk

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Anonymous #1 7w

Then, one time when he seems to be getting hard and staying hard, be like “i want to ride you rn” (or honestly, just start doing it). (note: if yall use condoms, then do NOT take like 3 minutes to open the package and put it on. Just do it quick).

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Anonymous #1 7w

And act like you’re riding him just to make HIM cum. He’ll be sad that he came fast, but say no and act all happy that you make him cum so quick (“I love that you find me so sexy” or whatever). That way, if he cums quickly, he’s not letting you YOU down.

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Anonymous #1 7w

Do that enough times, and he may get his confidence back.

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Anonymous #1 7w

I’m going to once again emphasize how horrible this is for him, because that cannot be understated. I totally understand that is frustrating for you too, and he could handle it better/talk about it/whatever. That’s all true. But this isn’t like “oh I’m not very good at oral sex, I can try some new techniques”, its feels more “I’m broken”. You sound like you’re being empathetic already, I just wanted to support that

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Anonymous #1 7w

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

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Anonymous #1 7w

Yeah I feel like it's definitely becoming a cycle of he's stressed about cumming too fast so he's trying not to then he gets soft and he's just stressed overall so the vibes are bad. I'm trying to be supportive and I know there's nothing anything I can really do to change it though which sucks

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Anonymous #1 7w

But like if he doesn't know what's stressing him out and causing this like idk what to do. In trying to not put pressure on it and all and be nice about it and I think I'm doing a good job at that but also at the end of the day it makes me feel bad too and is frustrating and I just feel like nothing I'm doing is helping and idk what else to do

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Anonymous OP 7w

It likely doesn’t matter what caused it in the first place, what matters is that now it happening is what is stressing him out. Trying to have sex, him failing, and just saying “no worries!” Isn’t gonna help. You gotta remove the idea of sex entirely for a while. If you actually care to help, try what I said over a few weeks ago

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Anonymous #1 7w

Wait so we should just stop trying for a while? I was away visiting friends last week and this week I'm on my period so I was just gonna not have sex this week. Maybe taking that two week break will help? But I also feel like when we try again he'll still be worried about it

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Anonymous #1 7w

Sorry I didn't see all of these!! I already do that and when he cums fast I'm like no I'm glad you finished

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Anonymous #1 7w

Ok so I'm not gonna fake an orgasm . . . But I'm def down to like do a ton of foreplay and try not to put pressure on the sex. I feel like I'm kinda already doing that but I guess I could be more intentional

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Anonymous OP 7w

No. Just stopping for two weeks and coming back to probably it won’t help, he’ll be just as worried. I’m not saying just stop sex and then try sex again later. Go back and reread my essay above. Do THAT for a few weeks. (Foreplay without the intention of it becoming sex)

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Anonymous #1 7w

Gotcha. I mean I'll try. ATP I'm just like frustrated too and I'm kinda burnt out from trying I feel. But I know that's not how this gets fixed

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Anonymous OP 7w

Totally understand that you’re upset, but I promise you he feels 10x worse- if you just drop him right now over this you’ll absolutely crush him. Like you said - give a shot. Everyone’s different, but doing this helped me fix the issue with my gf. (And if it doesn’t work over like a month, he can see a therapist for this btw.)

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Anonymous #1 7w

Yeah I'm not gonna drop him!

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Anonymous #3 7w

Thanks dawg! I do love him a lot and I'm not going to throw out a 4 year relationship over a few awkward months of sex and I know it's probably more frustrating for him than it is for me. I hope we can figure it out!

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Anonymous OP 7w

Glad to hear, if this was me and my ex, I would’ve been out with yesterday’s newspaper lol. I wonder if you telling him that tho might help his confidence too

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Anonymous #1 7w

He's on his way home and just texted me saying he wants to fuck when he gets back . . . Idk now I'm overthinking this shit too

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Anonymous OP 6w

Yeah, tbh, I’d recommend going the other way and being more raw and real with your emotion. If he really cares about you, which it seems he does, he will be able to read all this frustration you’re feeling whether you try and hide it or not. Personally, I find it’s really effective when you let all that emotion show. He should be able to please you. He should be able to maintain control. I’m sure these are his thoughts and this is the man he wants to become, regardless of any reassurance.

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Anonymous #5 6w

And if he fails to meet your expectations, he might genuinely enjoy you just straight up telling him you’re annoyed and you wanted more. Or if he goes soft, telling him to do better can be really potent. You can add that in as part of the overall dynamic if it feels right. Ultimately, everyone’s unique and these are personal preferences. I’d talk with him and bring up these ideas and see what he wants to try out together. I’m sure he’ll value your honesty more than you might expect.

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