Anonymous #1 1d

it’s confusing to you that someone whose love has only ever been unrequited might have low self-esteem as a result?

1

Anonymous #2 1d

It’s confusing to me because low self esteem is a chance to build self esteem in ways that do not have room for uncertainty, and do not rely on the actions or behavior of other people, which are things we inherently cannot control

15

Anonymous #2 1d

Incels don’t care about love, celibacy refers to sex

1

Anonymous OP 1d

This is just wild. Do you think incels are like inhuman robots or something? It’s about romantic love, sex is just a proxy for that.

0

Anonymous #2 1d

Incel is short for involuntary celibate. They base their identity around the fact that they’re “involuntarily” celibate, meaning they don’t have sex I’m struggling to find love but I don’t call myself an incel. Strange huh

8

Anonymous #1 1d

What would be some examples?

0

Anonymous OP 1d

Jeez, what’s with the attitude?

-1

Anonymous #2 1d

Just explaining the difference between identifying as an incel and just being a regular person who is struggling to find love

8

Anonymous OP 1d

Sexual access is an obvious proxy for romantic fulfillment. Sexual attraction is what differentiates platonic relationships from romantic ones. “Incel” and “person struggling to find love” aren’t mutually exclusive categories, there’s definitely a ton of overlap.

1

Anonymous #2 1d

You can be sexually attracted to someone without caring about them as a person. I acknowledge they’re upset with their current situation and hope they can learn to live with it the same way I have, in a healthier way than by identifying with a term that’s largely associated with rape culture

3

Anonymous OP 1d

Really? Because based on your post, it seems like you have nothing but contempt for them and their situation.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

In fact, your post strikingly resembles an enforcement of toxic masculinity (i.e. “man up”, “boys don’t cry”, etc.), but I digress…

1

Anonymous #2 1d

No contempt, I just don’t really care that much. Like yeah it’s a bummer to not find your person yet, or to not be getting as much sex as you want, but do you really need to be talking about it all the time? I certainly don’t.

4

Anonymous #2 1d

Not telling anyone to man up. Regardless of your gender, it’s not very mature to base your identity around whether or not you’re getting as much sex as you want. I have a very inactive love and sex life so I get it! But that’s not all there is to life, and being impatient won’t get me anywhere.

3

Anonymous OP 1d

Don’t you feel the heartache? Not everyone processes this kind of grief the same way.

0

Anonymous OP 1d

and it *is* a kind of grief, mind you.

0

Anonymous #2 1d

I do feel it, but complaining about being lonely doesn’t attract people. I don’t need my identity defined by whether or not I’m having the amount of sex I’d like to have.

4

Anonymous OP 1d

Some guys live in denial, others give into anger and resentment. some go to great lengths to bargain for a better situation, sacrificing health and wellbeing to improve their looks.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Personally, I’m stuck in the stage of depression.

1

Anonymous #2 1d

I’m in a similar situation but it doesn’t define who I am. I understand that not everyone has the same experiences dating and eventually I’ll probably find something for me.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Be careful not to mistake denial for acceptance.

1

Anonymous #2 1d

I’m not. I’ve accepted that reality is not a romcom and some people take longer to find love and sex than others. It doesn’t make me a victim, a monster, or shape my identity in any way.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

everything you experience shapes your identity.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

It’s okay to be a victim, it’s okay to be hurt.

0

Anonymous #2 1d

But I don’t need to call myself an incel to feel validated in my disappointment. I don’t know why some people are so obsessed with it or why they’d want to associate with a misogynistic crowd like that. Before I hear “it’s not misogynistic, it literally means they’re involuntarily celibate” remember that you just told me that it’s not actually about celibacy but about all forms of attraction in general.

1

Anonymous #2 1d

I’m not a victim of anything. I’m a little hurt but that’s it, it’s okay that I have to wait a little longer. It’s okay to have patience and to not view everything in love as revolving around how much sex you get. Sex isn’t everything.

8

Anonymous OP 1d

In life*

1

Anonymous OP 1d

You can recognize you’ve been wounded without lashing out at other people. At this point, your experience has more in common with the average “incel” of the same age than it does with the average romantically-successful person.

0

Anonymous OP 1d

It’s not everything, but it’s also not nothing. The wound is deeper than you realize, I speak from experience. The only way to heal it is to acknowledge that.

0

Anonymous #2 1d

Yes, I understand the pain and disappointment. But there’s more to life than sex, and I think it’s unhealthy to dwell on it. Finding other ways to make your life more fulfilling will increase your chances of finding a partner, anyway. I don’t need to call myself a term associated with rape culture in order to acknowledge that I wish I had a fulfilling relationship and sex life, most people are able to acknowledge their feelings without calling themselves incels.

4

Anonymous #2 1d

I’ve already acknowledged it.

3

Anonymous OP 1d

You keep saying sex doesn’t matter, but who are you really trying to convince?

-1

Anonymous #2 1d

I’m not saying it doesn’t matter, I’m saying the world doesn’t revolve around it. There’s more to life than sex, it may be difficult for some people to accept this but it’s true. What are you trying to accomplish here?

7

Anonymous OP 1d

I want you to make peace with the possibility of lifelong celibacy.

0

Anonymous #2 1d

I already have. Sure it would be disappointing but again, you don’t need sex like you need food and water and shelter. There’s a reason why sex toys exist, I’d be able to please myself.

5

Anonymous OP 1d

plastic is no substitute for love

0

Anonymous OP 1d

maybe that’s enough for you, maybe I’m just more romantic.

0

Anonymous OP 1d

but I’d rather die than live like that.

0

Anonymous #2 1d

True, but that’s what friends and family are for tbh. I might not have that romantic factor but some of my friendships have gotten so close that they’re basically like dating partners but without sex lol. Trust me, I’ve made peace with the possibility that I may never experience the things I want to experience, although I know realistically it will probably come to me at some point. I just can’t predict the future so I have to stay patient and optimistic.

0

Anonymous OP 1d

a life like that is already a kind of death. replacing mutual, intimate love with detached self-pleasure is practically a form of suicide.

0

Anonymous #2 1d

That is entirely your choice honestly. If it’s THAT serious to you that it ruins your entire life, I’d understand wanting to choose that.

3

Anonymous #2 1d

You can’t predict the future, none of us can. The only way that you could objectively, positively, know for sure that you will never experience that is if you end your life. I have extremely low hopes for my own life but the only way I can have a chance is if I keep trying.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

by “like that” i don’t mean with family and friends, i mean what you said about sex toys

0

Anonymous OP 1d

I have no plans to end it. I’d rather just abstain from sexual pleasure entirely.

0

Anonymous OP 1d

I can’t predict if my situation will ever change, but I know the heartache won’t stop until it does.

0

Anonymous #2 1d

That’s your choice. But it’s not healthy to obsess over it, I suggest talking to a therapist.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

I already am, but this would catch her way off guard.

0

Anonymous #2 1d

Setting ACHIEVABLE goals and always following through so you don’t lie to yourself, slowing moving the goalposts further and taking pride in the fact that you are doing something that aligns with what you to value. Breaking shame away from failure so that you can observe it. “I’m lazy because I keep doing ___” —> “I did ___ today, and acted like someone I don’t want to be.”

1

Anonymous #2 1d

You want to treat the your future version of yourself well, because if you can’t love yourself enough to not bring yourself down, it’s going to be hard to love other people properly.

1

Anonymous #1 1d

it’s extremely hard to treat the future kindly if you shame yourself every time you notice that you’re doing something that doesn’t align with what future you want, because then you end up purposely noticing those things less and avoid thinking about them, you deserve a better future so you deserve the grace needed to perceive those negative things productively.

1

Anonymous #1 20h

That’s great advice, thanks. Mentally, I understand that it’s good to aim towards having the kind of love that doesn’t need reciprocity to keep going. I just wish my heart would agree with that sentiment lol

1

Anonymous #2 20h

Dude, it’s not just you, there are people who are confident and get affection from the opposite gender but don’t have a steady perception of themselves, and it has very weird affects when it’s repressed and uncovered over and over and over again.

1

Anonymous #2 20h

Everybody has ways to grow, and your self awareness might feel like it’s your downfall, but that kind of thing can be a superpower. You got this man, it really is just a matter of perspective, doing something that isn’t helping your future is only building skills in the wrong direction, it doesn’t make you a failure, or worse than others, or bad. You are just an observer, your habits, emotions and automatic thought processes are things you can be aware of, they are not you.

1