Ask Women on Yik Yak | I just found out my bf of 2 years was cheating on me with a man but he says I can’t tell anyone what happened bc it would be outing him. I’m so heartbroken and betrayed and I want to talk to my friends and family but would it make me an asshole?

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Ask Women 14w

I just found out my bf of 2 years was cheating on me with a man but he says I can’t tell anyone what happened bc it would be outing him. I’m so heartbroken and betrayed and I want to talk to my friends and family but would it make me an asshole?

Anonymous 14w

Just tell them he cheated on you

Anonymous 14w

I feel like being outed as a cheater is worse than being outed as… bisexual?

Anonymous 14w

You can tell your friends whatever you want. It is not your responsibility to keep that secret for him. Maybe done advertise it, but in no way do you owe him that respect when he’s so blatantly disrespects you and your worth.

Anonymous 14w

You can tell your friends and family whatever you feel comfortable with. If he didn’t want anyone to know, then he shouldn’t have cheated on you. It’s completely reasonable to tell the truth and seek support from your loved ones; based on your other comments, it sounds like this is just another way he’s trying to manipulate and control you. He’s the asshole here, not you. And you don’t deserve to be alone in this.

😹

Anonymous 14w

He outed himself by cheating imo, I'd just call him out

Anonymous 14w

It’s sadly a shitty situation all around and I’m sorry you were made to feel so down about yourself and constantly beaten down about your body. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? I do want to say, as a Queer person, that the efforts to not out his sexuality is very admirable of you despite all of the bullshit. I hope you can still find an outlet or a manner to express yourself and your needs— you absolutely deserve that. 🫂

Anonymous 14w

No just be honest, and say that he asked you not to say anything about it, and that you have more respect and consideration for him that he does for you. Don’t out him, but def say he cheated

Anonymous 14w

I’m sorry that he cheated on you but you seriously can’t tell a soul that it was with a man. I get you may want to tell your friends and family but if he doesn’t want people to know, that includes all of them

-2

Anonymous 14w

Tell them he cheated and if they press it make up a story about a girl??

-3

Anonymous

#2 14w

That depends on where they live tbh

Anonymous

#1 14w

They would definitely ask questions and the way I found out I would have to outright lie which I don’t want to do and he doesn’t want me to either

Anonymous

#6 14w

I don’t want to have to lie. He also said I wasn’t smart enough to be able to hold a consistent lie

Anonymous

#6 14w

He’s not bi. He’s gay. Full on gay. And he always told me the reason he didn’t want to be sexual with me was bc I needed to loose weight or I did/ said something that turned him off. He made me feel so disgusting for years all so he could use me as a cover. It’s a deeper betrayal than just cheating. I was used and made to feel like there was something wrong with me

Anonymous

OP 14w

Ok this changes things, it doesnt sound like a one off mistake, he sounds like a consistently manipulative and emotionally abusive POS. You need to cut him off ASAP

Anonymous

OP 14w

Break up, tell your family hes a POS and you dont want to talk about it

Anonymous

#8 14w

Yeah, echoing this. Prioritize your own well being, not some emotionally abusive piece of shit

Anonymous

#9 14w

Bruh you cannot out a gay person under any circumstances

-4

Anonymous

#7 14w

It’s not outing him for her to share what happened to her. If he didn’t want it shared, then he shouldn’t have involved her by cheating. This is now something that has happened to her, and if he didn’t want her and others to know, then he shouldn’t have given them this kind of situation to find out by. That was a choice he made. He has no right to have any control over her or to isolate her, let alone at this point, and she does not deserve to live with that alone.

Anonymous

#9 14w

She absolutely does not deserve to be in this alone or to not have an outlet, but outing someone can spell life or death for them. He’s a piece of shit, absolutely, and she needs support, but outing him openly is not the way. To friends and family that can be trusted with that information, sure!

Anonymous

#9 14w

Exactly. OP please if you take any advice take this^^^ someone else’s feelings should never dictate what you do!! He made a choice to put himself in that position, it’s not your job to protect him from the consequences. It is not your job.

Anonymous

#10 14w

Definitely, I’m not saying she should broadcast to the world, that would be unnecessary and low, but it’s more than reasonable for her to tell her family/friends

Anonymous

#9 14w

You must not be gay

-3

Anonymous

#7 14w

Don’t cheat on the person you’re in a relationship with and it wouldn’t matter

Anonymous

#9 14w

Don’t out queer people. We stay closeted for very, very serious reasons.

-4

Anonymous

#10 14w

“Outing” in not in question tho. She’s talking to a close friend about person details. The bf is clearly using his sexuality as a way to trap her and isolate her. Outing in general is awful and of course it should be on people’s own terms. She deserves just as much emotional support as he does. Him being gay does not over rule her experience.

Anonymous

#10 14w

Cheating is very serious too. He clearly did not care for her, and so it’s not her responsibility at this point to ignore herself anymore in favor of him. If he didn’t want her to know and seek support by explaining what happened to her, he should have broken up with her instead of cheating so she wouldn’t be involved in this to begin with.

Anonymous

#8 14w

EXACTLY. This isn’t a matter of outing. This is a matter of him still trying to exert control over her, and she deserves so much better.

Anonymous

#9 14w

It isn’t for us to determine the intent of his sexuality being disclosed. It is still outing and it is still dangerous. Do not out people. It’s not complicated.

-2

Anonymous

#10 14w

Don’t cheat on people. It’s not complicated.

Anonymous

#9 14w

I’m not defending that and I never will. But don’t out people, period.

Anonymous

#10 14w

It’s not outing him for her to explain the situation to friends/family that she is going through. If he didn’t want that information out there, then he should have thought twice before dragging her into it.

Anonymous

#10 14w

It’s still not outing to talk to a friend. Don’t take away her right to emotional support. Saying “you can’t tell anyone, you’ll ruin his life” is incredibly unfair. As hard as it is, that is on him. It is simply not on her. Nobody is saying she should parade around saying he’s gay. We are saying she more than has the right to confide in a friend about a heartbreaking and devastating situation. It’s nobody’s place to be telling anyone what they can or can’t do.

Anonymous

#9 14w

If it involves disclosing his sexuality, then yes, it is outing.

-2

Anonymous

#8 14w

It needs to be done cautiously. People stay closeted for a reason: safety. Maybe listen to queer people about this.

-2

Anonymous

#10 14w

There is no excuse for cheating. And it has now become a part of her story. So she can tell friends/family to seek the support she needs. It’s purely what happened, and she has a right to tell the people close to her; encouraging otherwise just paves the way for continued emotional abuse

Anonymous

#9 14w

Name one time I said she shouldn’t be able to talk about it? Exactly. You can’t. Quit trying to justify incredibly dangerous actions just because you don’t understand something.

-2

Anonymous

#10 14w

You know what else is incredibly dangerous tho? Neglecting your emotional trauma, harm, or distress to make others feel better. We are literally all In agreement😂 both of these things can be true at the same time

Anonymous

#10 14w

You explicitly said to never out anyone and that this situation would be considered as such. OP already clarified that the sexuality aspect is inextricably linked to him having cheated, and she would be unable to communicate this to friends/family without saying so. You have no idea who I am or what I understand. I assure you, it’s ignorant and honestly stupid to assume that someone has another perspective because they don’t understand it.

Anonymous 14w

So does emotional abuse and isolation. One struggle does not trump the other.

Anonymous

#8 14w

People are also allowed to disagree, it doesn’t have to get nasty.

Anonymous

orange_joyful_cat44 14w

Outing someone can potentially put them in danger

-2

😹

Anonymous

#7 14w

Everyone's got there lil secrets i don't discriminate

Anonymous

#7 14w

He would not be in any danger. We live in a very liberal area and his parents are very accepting. I would not tell anyone except close friends and family.

Anonymous

OP 14w

You never know who would have a problem with it though, which makes it scarier

-2

😹

Anonymous

#7 14w

If I was op we would know because we would be finding out

Anonymous

#3 14w

Genuinely crazy lmao

-1

Anonymous

#2 14w

OP said he’s fully gay, and outing a gay person be dangerous for them if it gets around to the wrong person

Anonymous

#7 14w

He would not be in any danger. Also telling my best friend and mom would not be outing him. Things would have played out extremely differently if he was honest but instead he chose to trap and abuse me. I have talked to my family and friends. They know what’s going on and are helping me get out and get an order of protection, so everything will now be public record. Unfortunately, he made his bed and will have to lie in it.

Anonymous

OP 14w

Proud of you OP!! You got this

Anonymous

OP 14w

YES OP!! I am so glad you’ve been able to take those steps ❤️ Sending love your way