Anonymous #1 1d

Idk, things like if was too promiscuous or had bad history/relationship I would like to know just like any another aspect of her past background

2

Anonymous #3 1d

It’s not that, i feel like I’ll just hold resentment cuz I would think if someone doesn’t answer they’re “guilty”😭

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Like something like an open relationship, very kinky stuff, I will not be okay with it’s just my preference…

4

Anonymous OP 1d

Guilty of what? What even is it that you are worried about? Someone who takes, it’s better off not knowing, way too far, or just the idea that your partner has been with other people in the past?

11

Anonymous #3 1d

Guilty is not the right word. More like things I wouldn’t be ok with. Like my comment above

1

Anonymous twirling_tornado 1d

I did, and she doesn’t want to answer…

1

Anonymous strawberry_hair 1d

I’m not trying to push her, I’m just asking for advice on what I could do?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

why don’t you just tell her about these deal breakers of yours?

12

Anonymous OP 1d

Would her past make her dirty, or tainted? If the only way for you to tell that she is, is her answering a question (that by the way she could have easily just lied about.) Maybe the thing you’re worried about is kind of ridiculous? It obviously matters a lot to you, but if it’s not perceivable without actually knowing what happened, is that a logical way of going about things?

9

Anonymous OP 1d

if you asked specifically and she didn’t answer then she probably did them. if you’re gonna judge her for her past then go ahead and end things. she deserves to be with someone that respects her and u shld be w someone that fits your preferences if it’s such a big deal

16

Anonymous OP 1d

She made those boundaries because she didn’t want to lie to you and she didn’t want to lose you, I’m sure as things drew along, and she put more thought into how ridiculous this whole Schrödinger’s thot situation is, and it started being less, she doesn’t want to lose you, and more, why tf does this even matter when we have something that has been working, if it hasn’t gotten there, than it certainly will.

9

Anonymous #3 1d

It’s not that, i won’t judge her , or thing she’s “dirty” I would just think there are some things I cannot “provide” her with. And I would feel insecure being in the relationship. And I don’t want to deal with that feeling

1

Anonymous OP 1d

That’s the thing. If these things are deal breakers you need to tell her straight up that they are. Don’t dance around the topic

8

Anonymous OP 1d

Get some toys, I don’t know what specifically you’re talking about but trust me there’s solutions.

11

Anonymous OP 1d

Everyone’s got experiences. As you get older the people who have them become more and more common. Insecurity can be hard, but it’s not something you should put on your partners

13

Anonymous #1 1d

I did, she asked why I didn’t break it up at the beginning of the relationship. Which is definitely my fault. But it’s not something that genuinely was on my mind then

5

Anonymous strawberry_hair 1d

I did, she thinks stating it that was is forceful. And I am lost for options…

1

Anonymous #3 1d

Cuz it’s something that came to my mind now and not before. And I don’t think it’s something I can just forget for the future now…

1

Anonymous #6 1d

Idk, for one, I didn’t mention this before. But she doesn’t like giving me bjs cuz she doesn’t like how I taste. So she rarely goes down on me and that’s fine, I don’t force her either. But to hear that possibly in the past she swallowed someone let alone just give a bj, it definitely hurts?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

You can do something and realize you don’t like it. If the very idea of someone trying something and not enjoying it makes you feel insecure I think you should really get therapy. I don’t mean this to offend you, but if even the possibility makes you concerned…

11

Anonymous OP 1d

So you’re jealous that she might’ve had diff sex with other guys????

1

Anonymous strawberry_hair 1d

The thing is I am/wont be concerned if I find out that she did it unwillingly or coerced. I would obviously feel sorry/bad for her and not going to hold it against her. I am only concerned by the idea of her possibly having enjoyed it with the previous hookup but just doesn’t like it with me because how I taste in particular.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

I will admit that possibility would make me feel really insecure and undesirable, I don’t see how not

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Wdym diff sex? It’s just that there is a possibility that she was willing to swallow for someone random let alone a bj but not even wanting to go down on me. It’s not about the act itself, but it makes me question her desirability towards me and makes me insecure

1

Anonymous OP 1d

So instead of telling her this or going to therapy to work on said insecurity, you’re establishing new dealbreakers during the relationship that weren’t made clear previous based on nothing but her unwillingness to talk about past sexual partners. Did I miss anything?

12

Anonymous #7 1d

Who said I am not going to therapy? And who said I didn’t tell her this? This dealbreaker in specific wasn’t established just because this topic didn’t come up before, we are long distance and are not intimate that often. She just recently brought up about how salty my cum is to her. And that is what got me thinking

1

Anonymous OP 1d

The question isn’t “are you in therapy” the question is have you brought THIS insecurity up in therapy. And YOUVE already said in previous comments this wasn’t discussed before. Deal breakers are in fact deal breakers, why wouldn’t you bring them up if they would stop you from dating this person??? And if it’s new, then yes you’re surprising her with new dealbreakers she had no clue existed

5

Anonymous OP 1d

Have you talked about your specific insecurity up with her or are you just asking her for the info

0

Anonymous #7 1d

Well I told her why I would like to know the answer to the question if possible. I haven’t brought this exact topic up to my therapist yet. I’m still in early sessions… regarding the dealbreaker things, I literally didn’t even know something like this would affect me when we first started dating. Hence why I am bringing it now, when it is actually starting to affect me…

1

Anonymous OP 1d

What exactly did you tell her

1

Anonymous OP 1d

And if it really is a dealbreaker, talk to your therapist about it or break up. Being insecure about past sexual experiences of your partner is really something you should try to work through, not let it drive your relationships. This is said as someone who has gotten over said insecurities.

8

Anonymous #7 1d

I told her like how I think it is kind of a big deal to know what things she might have done in the past. And she said that it’s not something I should know and what if I get upset? To which I said that I wouldn’t get upset for no reason but only for things where I feel like she did something willingly with someone else but not with me and if it is something to do with me? Or if she never liked it in the first place.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Because if it was something to do with me, I don’t think I personally can move on from that , and would have to rethink the relationship

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Big deal for me*

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Do you really need the play by play to get that though?? Shouldn’t she just be able to say “it’s not you, I just didn’t like it/wouldn’t do it again” if they even did happen?? There’s plenty of stuff I’ve tried in hookups I’d never repeat regardless of the partner,

9

Anonymous #7 1d

Like I think the biggest insecurity I have about this and her past is the fact that she dislikes giving bjs because of my precum but she possibly didn’t mind swallowing some random’s cum in the past

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Except the thing is she is reluctant to even say is she did that in the past or not

1

Anonymous OP 1d

If*

1

Anonymous OP 1d

That’s the weirdest hang up/deal breaker I’ve ever heard. You ever think she did it before, didn’t enjoy it, and just doesn’t want to repeat it???? Just because she did it willingly before doesn’t mean she wants to do it with anyone again

3

Anonymous #7 1d

I wouldn’t say dealbreaker is the right word, I just don’t think I would ever be able to get over that insecurity knowing that fact and it would definitely build resentment and ruin our sex life. Hence the “dealbreaker”

1

Anonymous OP 1d

If someone was randomly springing something like this on me, I’d also prob do the same thing at first. A lot of your phrasing makes it sound like the act itself is the dealbreaker, and I can only assume that same wording was used with her. If you want to stress that you just want to know it’s not a “you” problem, that you don’t care about before, you just want to know she’s attracted to you or wtv go for it. But, again, it’s an insecurity ur prob just gonna have to get over

8

Anonymous OP 1d

Again the problem is not with if she didn’t enjoy and doesn’t it lol. The hang up with me is if she enjoyed it before but just doesn’t want to do with me!

1

Anonymous OP 1d

To clarify, if she had done those things before, didn’t like them and wouldn’t repeat them again, so it’s not a you issue or wtv, would it still be a dealbreaker?

4

Anonymous OP 1d

Just ask if it’s a you issue or not. Don’t ask about her sexual history, she doesn’t want to give you the play by play. Just ask her if she just doesn’t enjoy wtv in general or if she just doesn’t like them with you.

6

Anonymous #7 1d

If she did those things and disliked/regreted them and wouldn’t want to repeat them again. It’s fine, wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. Unless she disliked it but did it multiple times and not stopped at once?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Why would doing it multiple times but disliking it be a dealbreaker

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Me asking her if she doesn’t like it in general is her admitting if she did or did not do it in the past tho?

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Because what could be possibly making you go back and do it again if you didn’t like it? Is the guy that desirable that you want to keep him?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Don’t be specific and run down the whole list, just say sex like in general. Unless this whole thing is about bjs, which is just on a whole other level

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Could be insecurity that you grow out of as you age. Or something that seemed right at the time and then you grew up and realized you didn’t have to do things you didn’t like anymore. Self destructive tendencies. The list continues.

11

Anonymous #7 1d

She says she enjoys the sex and what not, but this is just about bjs in general tbh

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Really appreciate you listening and providing advice.

1

Anonymous OP 1d

So did you lie earlier when you mentioned open relationships etc as the dealbreaker or…..

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Have you experienced something like this before?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

I’ve been insecure in my own life, but it’s my issue, I dealt with it and moved along.

8

Anonymous #7 1d

Well kinda, but I’m saying in general she won’t want to answer any questions about the past

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Would all of that be dealbreakers as well??

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Yes they would be dealbreakers but ik she hasn’t done those fs

1

Anonymous OP 1d

So what’s your conclusion here going forward. What have you gotten out of this

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Honestly don’t know, other than the fact that I won’t make this about her but about me. And explain more properly why I am discussing this topic with her. And maybe frame my question in a different way. But if she still doesn’t want to answer if she did anything like that in the past or not, I do not know what to do…

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Do you think this insecurity is something to be worked on or something to be left alone. That’s all great for this one relationship and this one convo, but insecurity like this festers and spreads

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Definitely working on this insecurity, hitting the gym, making myself feel better and also going to the therapist

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Just a question, what do you think I should do if she is unwilling to give any info about what she did or not in the past?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Idk you, idk her, idk your relationship. If it were me, I’d work on the insecurity and keep the relationship, ig depending on the length of it. Some people might just not want to talk about. She might’ve felt attacked, not saying it was ur fault just sometimes feelings can get jumbled, and now just doesn’t want to say. If deep down there’s seriously no way you could get over this, just break up. Don’t string her along more than you already have.

8

Anonymous #7 1d

I genuinely don’t think I can just go on without getting an answer is my issue. It will eat me from the inside cuz I’ll assume the worst 😭

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Because you’re feeling insecure that she would do that with other guys and not you, correct?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

How long have you been together?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Ya thats totally hurtful and definitely worth questioning and would totally kill part of the intimacy and trust. Did you guys talk about it? Feeling attractive to your partner and wanted is so important

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Yes because of that insecurity. Been together a year and like 4 months?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

Are you trying to get over this insecurity? Because if you feel like you can’t, just be done. I would say get over that insecurity, it’ll fester and get worse

1

Anonymous #6 1d

Well I am trying to talk to her about it, but she won’t tell me what she did in the past or if she enjoyed it or not

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Wdym just be done?

1

Anonymous OP 1d

……break up??

1

Anonymous #7 1d

#7 stop being mean to OP he has valid concerns and just trying to get advice

-2

Anonymous #6 1d

…….because I’ve given no advice whatsoever

0

Anonymous OP 1d

I think you should try to let you worries get about of the way by feeling the feelings that you’re feeling though it’s hard. What you’re feeling is valid and the truth is there. I’m sure she loves you but there is a valid concern you’re addressing and a problem for sure. Maybe the problem isn’t so much what you’re focusing on - that she won’t tell you about her past - but more about the present intimacy and connection. How well do you know her? How close are you really?

5

Anonymous OP 1d

Maybe focus less on the sex right now and more on getting to know her as a person and that will help you figure out if you guys will truly work out or not while also cooling off the hormones a bit

6

Anonymous #6 1d

We know each other really well and are really close . But I do feel a lack of intimacy most of the times and very one sided. Hence brings up a big insecurity in me to compare with her past too

1

Anonymous #7 1d

This is not something you need to talk to a therapist about… not good advice #7 and honestly you’re just rude and mean

-1

Anonymous #6 1d

…..you don’t think insecurity over something that might or might not have happened isn’t something to talk to a therapist about

8

Anonymous #6 1d

Look, I gave my advice you gave yours. I’m not for coddling adults on the internet, idk why you’re talking to me LMAO

5

Anonymous #7 1d

No I don’t. That’s a personal choice and it’s not kind to push someone to talk to a therapist about something. They already would if they wanted to.

1

Anonymous #6 1d

Guess who’s already in therapy.

1

Anonymous #7 1d

I appreciate you both giving me all the advice. I’m gonna go end this for today. I will update when I talk to my gf again about this

11

Anonymous #7 1d

Because you’re being nasty and I can talk to that’s why, get the fuck out of here if you don’t like what I have to say I’m not here to coddle you after how I watched how you talked to this man

5

Anonymous #6 1d

Freak out on yikyak? Yikes

-1

Anonymous OP 1d

I would just be honest about that and do what you can, but unfortunately sometimes people don’t show up as much as we do and we don’t get the answers we want. I’m sorry you’re going through this

1

Anonymous #7 1d

…shitty advice

-1

Anonymous #6 1d

Aaaaaand it’s still going

0

Anonymous #7 1d

Didn’t even read all of it but just the snippets of what u said made me nauseous, clock your energy and stop projecting on people and attacking their vulnerabilities it’s gross

0

Anonymous #6 1d

Kk, bye now!

0

Anonymous #7 1d

Your whole personality is yikes, scary

6

Anonymous #6 1d

Zinger!

0

Anonymous #7 1d

I speak the truth… maybe you’ll learn to give decent advice one day if u actually try or study some smart people

1

Anonymous #6 1d

Kk bye now!

0

Anonymous #7 1d

Finally

1

Anonymous #7 1d

Best text on this thread

1

Anonymous #6 1d

Bro how r u still going💀💀

-1

Anonymous #7 1d

Desperate for attention I see

1

Anonymous OP 17h

If she isn’t visibly upset or has made comments about your “performance” or what you do, why are you worried? If she wants more she’ll tell you I think you might have an insecurity issue that needs professional help otherwise it will ruin any relationship you have That or you just grow up and learn whatever you’re worried about doesn’t matter

6

Anonymous OP 17h

Then end it. If you cant forget, then spare her so she can find someone that isn’t bothered.

4

Anonymous #9 17h

Discuss improving it, or compromising. Idk what you’ve done on your past, but remember that she’s not interrogating or blaming you for who you were, or what you did before you knew yourself better. All you’re doing now is pushing her away, and if you care as much as you say, you gotta find another outlet bro. I’m serious, this has the opposite effect of what you want

1

Anonymous #9 17h

I completely agree, OP also mentioned that she didn’t like his taste or smell? Idek explanation was all over the place. But try better hygiene and eat healthier foods so that if she is ever willing to try again, your precum wont taste bad.

6

Anonymous #8 16h

I think it’s a mix of why I am bringing it up. It kinda affects me that she doesn’t like giving bjs to me because of the way I taste, like feels rejecting of my body. Needs to be said I won’t force her obvio. Secondly other reason it’s affecting me is the fact that she maybe did this swallowing thing with some random let alone a bj with her bf. I have tried eating healthier and have pretty good hygiene, but she won’t give a bj unless there is something masking the taste like whipped cream etc.

1

Anonymous OP 16h

Like I am just struggling to get over the possibility that she did those things with him because she sexually desired him more than me?

1

Anonymous OP 16h

Bro what Then you’re just insecure, plain and simple man

6

Anonymous OP 16h

And I don’t think it’s fair to her for me to expect her to do something in the future when she has said she doesn’t want to do it currently?

1

Anonymous OP 16h

So she does give you head, if there’s whipped cream Sounds like she just doesn’t like the taste of dick, thats her personal preference.

6

Anonymous #8 16h

I think I’m just having a hard time accepting that, like she doesn’t like the taste of cum and dick but would maybe swallow someone who wasn’t even her bf?😭

1

Anonymous OP 16h

That sounds very contradictory

1

Anonymous OP 16h

Why are you creating hypotheticals in your head? “Would” “maybe” bro what How old are you? Is this your first relationship?

11

Anonymous OP 16h

I think you gotta consider that she might not like bjs, period, and the taste was just an excuse. Personally I don’t love them, no matter how much i love the person, and if that person started interrogating me over it I would feel very hurt and pressured into sex to prove my affection. You are hurt, but you are not the only one hurt right now. Secondly, flavored lube exists. Invest. It’s not your fault that youre insecure, just as it’s not her fault she might have done similar things before

3

Anonymous OP 16h

Uhh yeah thats an unreasonable expectations you have of her

9

Anonymous #8 16h

I’m not trying to create hypotheticals. That’s literally why I am asking her? But she is reluctant in saying? To find out if it’s just me she doesn’t like doing this to or not? Obviously I wouldn’t make a big fuss about it if she never liked this with anyone.

1

Anonymous OP 16h

If you don’t know her past for sure, then you are in fact creating hypotheticals.

6

Anonymous #9 16h

How do I resolve this issue without me even asking her anything then? If you think asking would make her feel pressured? That’s not my intention.

1

Anonymous OP 16h

Maybe it was just that one time and u were dehydrated and she’s just honest and said something about it and it stuck out in your mind and u got anxious about it. But if it’s a bigger issue that she doesn’t like your taste and smell in general you may not be compatible for making babies bcs that is key to be honest. I’m so sorry, I just want to be real!

-1

Anonymous #8 16h

Yes I do not know her past is why I was asking! And I cannot live with ignorance either? Cuz the thought of unknown does affect me

1

Anonymous #6 16h

But if you guys r still together and she does like how u taste and smell and you’re just thinking she doesn’t bcs you’re getting anxious you should have a conversation before doing anything impulsively. Maybe you’re overthinking. Maybe she’s not giving head for another reason. Maybe the intimacy reason is emotional. Work on the personal intimacy of the relationship and talk it through and feel it before going further with anything physical- that’s my advice

0

Anonymous OP 16h

If you cant live without knowing you only have two options. Get help for it or break up. This is premium advice and answer. Because if you continue like this you’ll build resentment and she’ll become annoyed and it will end ugly. Thats the hard truth

9

Anonymous #6 16h

It’s just not that one time, she has said it multiple times that she doesn’t like how I taste, and won’t give me a bj cuz of the precum

1

Anonymous OP 16h

Then you cant force her🤷‍♀️ Nothing else to be said or done

9

Anonymous #8 16h

Yes I will not force her, I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that she is not ok with how I taste/smell and if that is something I can deal with

5

Anonymous OP 16h

Yep

3

Anonymous OP 15h

You think you’re asking, but the whole thread sounds more like accusing her of liking someone else in her past better than you. Of course she’s defensive. Of course she won’t answer. Go apologize for making her feel like she did something wrong, and explain why you want to know. You can’t act weird just cause your girl don’t like how you taste. If you’re open and honest, you might get it back, but you can’t interrogate her and expect her not to be hurt by that

13

Anonymous #9 14h

BARS

9

Anonymous #9 14h

I will apologize to her. I didn’t realize it came of that way, thanks for letting me know that. By explain why you want to know, what do you mean?

0

Anonymous OP 14h

Explain how? Such that it doesn’t come off accusatory

0

Anonymous OP 14h

ewww let her find a real man pls

5

Anonymous OP 12h

Tell her that you’re asking because you’re insecure, and feel as though she might have liked someone in the past better than you. You’re asking not because you think her having had sex in the past is inherently wrong (and if this is why, btw, you’re a jerk) but rather because you were worried you were an exception rather than the norm, and that you were thinking with emotions rather than your head. Or better yet, decide what you want to say yourself. I can help, but I’m not you and I don’t know

8

Anonymous #9 12h

Your gf. Whatever you do, be honest. Admit to any faults, and she’ll be more likely to admit whatever she thinks/feels. I think before you talk to her you should figure out your own emotions more, and why you feel them

5

Anonymous #9 10h

Update : Talked to my gf about it. She said that she did swallow in the past and is something she dislikes and doesn’t want to do it. She said that it’s not anything to do with me but just the taste of cum in general. She also said that she is willing to try alternatives in which she doesn’t have to really taste my cum to give me a bj. Which i really appreciate. Just something I have to deal with that she doesn’t like the taste/smell of cum and how I can handle that

1

Anonymous OP 9h

you can also eat different things or clean different ways, that’ll change how you taste a lot. that’s what determines it. eat more fruit for starters

6

Anonymous #2 6h

Well I think im just going to go with the mindset that there won’t be a point when she is used to the taste. I think me trying hard to change my diet and stuff and if she still doesn’t like it, I feel it’ll just grow resentment?

4

Anonymous OP 6h

This is probably wise. Glad you guys worked it out

1

Anonymous #9 6h

Thanks, I feel better after talking to her and clarifying that it wasn’t me. Though there are some lingering insecurities where I think I’m not desirable enough cuz of her doing something in the past but not with me or that I don’t make her feel comfortable enough. And these are only MY problems to deal with and I would love some advice on that 🙌

1