
Being a woman means always comparing yourself to other women including those who have gotten a bunch of procedures done to look like barbie dolls. But men and people in general don’t care, they think that’s how women are naturally supposed to look so anything outside of that shouldn’t even be considered a woman at all
I’m non-binary too, and I’m glad you’ve opened yourself to gender diversity but it does sound like you’re going through a lot with self-image :/ I was somewhat similar pre-transition where I thought it would help me with my insecurities & constant comparing, & it did to an extent. but, mostly, it was just me working through it like I would have if I never transitioned. you may have a completely different experience, but please don’t sideline these reflection abt your self-perception
I remember being 10 years old and my mom helping me pick out clothes and accessories and do my hair nice so I can feel pretty, and after she took my photo I just stared at it and realized, yeah I’m going to grow up ugly aren’t I. And I did, and I always felt like less of a person because ugly girls/women aren’t treated like people
I just don’t think it will ever get better, I always felt like I was being a girl wrong so I then identified as ftm and that just made me feel worse because I could never be taken seriously as a man either. So this is the closest thing I can get to being ugly in a socially acceptable way
to be honest gender nonconformity is rad and i found myself in it in a huge way, but if you don’t feel that and are just looking for a way to be socially acceptably “ugly” i think you have bigger fish to fry than your gender identity. if you have a problem with yourself changing how you identify won’t change that
it seems like you decided to view yourself a certain way at a young age and just condemned yourself to feeling like that. i get it, im still working through it, but the first step is realizing that beauty standards don’t mean shit. anyone can be beautiful to someone, and yeah life as a non-traditional person sucks but no matter how you identify you will always be you. and the first step is accepting that and being comfortable with it, even if you’re not necessarily happy about it