I just want to say I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. Sometimes When things feel this heavy, talking to someone can really help. If you're up for it, you might want to reach out to a professional or a helpline like Samaritans (they're available 24/7 and even have anonymous chats online with people willing to listen ), or another organisation you can find at iasp.info that's international. Just know support is out there.