Anonymous mother_russia 1w

Around 6 months, I know it’s not a long time but I have never felt this way with anyone

-3

Anonymous OP 1w

Oh girl, that’s way too soon. Marriage isn’t just about how you feel about someone, it’s about knowing they’d stay with you through thick and thin even if they are angry with you or even if they do something every day that annoys you and even when the honeymoon feelings aren’t there. You also have to know your futures and goals and desires line up.

14

Anonymous OP 1w

You can’t figure that all out in 6 months with someone. And it’s also really easy to fake emotions, values, etc. for that amount of time and you don’t want to get married and suddenly be with a totally different person.

7

Anonymous mother_russia 1w

I agree but they do. I tried to off myself around a week ago, it’s the third time since we started dating and he stayed with me and held me every time. Him and I sat down and we both feel like we’re ready.

-2

Anonymous OP 1w

Okay, so that’s not a mental state where you should be deciding to get married. Big events like that cause trauma bonding and these really intense feelings where you think they are the only person in your life type deal, but trauma bonds fade and you have no idea who you will be once you emotionally recover.

13

Anonymous OP 1w

I’m also concerned with him being so okay with this. Moving so fast when you are in such a bad mental state means you are really vulnerable and statistically more likely to be targeted and hurt by this situation. Please listen to your parents on this one and wait until you are stable before getting engaged and married

9

Anonymous mother_russia 1w

You definitely made some valid points, but your approach is honestly a bit belittling. True, being stable enough is important when making a big life decision like that. However, you cannot act that dealing with any form of mental illness means someone is just unfit to being married or engaged. You also are undermining the OP by claiming she is too unstable to make decisions for herself about her own life.

0

Anonymous #1 1w

It’s not any form of mental illness, it’s multiple suicide attempts. I’m not saying any form of mental illness means you shouldn’t make decisions about your life, I’m saying in this extreme case she should focus on getting better before getting married. Maybe I was a bit blunt with how I said it, but truly it’s not a good idea to be getting engaged after an attempt.

5

Anonymous #1 1w

Also just to think about her bf, asking about something big after a big attempt can be coercive even if it’s not meant to be. Is HE in a possition where he would feel comfortable with answering honestly? Does he feel pressured to agree to minimize the risk of her attempting again? Rule of thumb: If he isn’t in a place to say no or to leave, then he isn’t in a place to say yes.

7

Anonymous #4 1w

i say this as someone whose parents got engaged after 6 months of dating and while they’re still together they should’ve divorced years ago.

7

Anonymous OP 1w

You can’t do anything about them, they are concerned about you and the relationship and you can’t change their opinion on that any more than they can change your opinion. You could maybe bring him around more often and have your parents get to know him like you know him, but ultimately you can’t change their minds.

7

Anonymous mother_russia 1w

Yeah, I understand what you’re saying. I do think getting better should be a priority for her right now so she’s not vulnerable if he has bad intentions. However, she also said they wouldn’t be getting married until after they both graduate. That’s likely going to be a couple of years anyway if they’re both in undergrad. It’s not a crime if he wants to genuinely be there to support her now and if he is feeling pressured that’s on him to speak up.

1

Anonymous mother_russia 1w

Are you trying to imply that OP is manipulating him ? This is a very big and generalized assumption. Not everyone with mental illness is manipulative.

1

Anonymous #1 1w

Him and I sat down and talked today about that. I wanted to see if he felt trapped in anyway because of that claim. He told me, more serious than I have ever seen him, that this is what HE wants. He promised me that I wasn’t. I am getting help, I’ve been getting help, it was just a very bad episode because of that certain day.

5

Anonymous #1 1w

So not saying she’s doing it intentionally but it’s definitely pressure to say yes and there is no guarantee that it’s not influencing his decision. It’s better to wait it out and then follow back up after recovering.

1

Anonymous mother_russia 1w

I could see how it could add some pressure, but you have no right to make OP responsible for her boyfriend’s emotions like that. They are his to own, not hers. She hasn’t done anything wrong. But I agree, they shouldn’t get married super soon cause of this (which is good they said they’re waiting till after they graduate).

5

Anonymous OP 1w

I’m glad you explicitly discussed that with him, but did you ask him if he wanted to leave the relationship if he would feel comfortable doing that? Has he ever brought up actions that upset him that you did or turned you down for anything important? Have you two ever fought or disagreed on something important? Is he comfortable saying no and talking to you when he is uncomfortable?

1

Anonymous OP 1w

Because I want to emphasize: if he doesn’t feel comfortable saying no or addressing issues with you then he can’t be saying yes. If no isn’t a realistic option then it’s not consent. And it’s not just “yeah I’ll say something if there is ever an issue” you need a real example of him doing that, because saying you’ll do something is much easier than actually doing it.

1

Anonymous mother_russia 1w

Yes we have, we have been through a lot together, we live together, I was with him when his dad died, we have fought about money for college and how much effort we put into each other. We set boundaries and have experienced and learned about each other more in just 6 months than when I was in a relationship for 3 years

5

Anonymous OP 1w

I’ve been on both sides of a relationship like this which is why I’m being so cautious about this. I’m not saying this to target you to make you feel bad.

1

Anonymous OP 1w

Wow sounds like you both have a lot going on. How long have you been living together?

1

Anonymous mother_russia 1w

4 months, I go to college literally in the town he lives in so we just moved in together

0

Anonymous OP 1w

Gotcha. Can I ask how your three-year relationship ended and how long ago? Did your parents approve of that relationship?

1

Anonymous OP 1w

Do you need your parents to agree with the engagement for some reason like if they are paying for something for you or to pay for the wedding or just because you value their approval?

1

Anonymous mother_russia 1w

He was very abusive and manipulative so I had to get away, it happened about two years ago now and my parents hated him,, they love my fiancé

1

Anonymous mother_russia 1w

I value their approval.

1

Anonymous OP 1w

I’m really sorry that happened, that’s awful and I’m very glad you’re out of that relationship!

4

Anonymous OP 1w

Yeah, you definitely can’t change their minds about an early engagement, but maybe if you and your fiancé sat down with them and explained your thought process as to why you want to be engaged so soon or precautions you were taking to make sure that this is the right decision, then they would be at least a little more accepting of it

1