Anonymous #1 20h

And then you’ll resent each other! Like it doesn’t have to be “Oh they only want sex they’re terrible”. No, just separate if your values and sexual preferences aren’t aligned honestly

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Anonymous #3 18h

Incompatible sex drives are incompatible sex drives. But asking for sex isn’t pressuring for sex? Pressuring implies some sort of consequence for saying no, even if it’s being treated shitty or being subject to your shitty mood. If your partner feels pressured and *uncomfortable* with you, then you’re flat out doing something wrong. You can break up with someone for not having the same sexual needs without making them uncomfortable in the relationship

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Anonymous #3 18h

I’m confused what are you exactly disagreeing with? If partner A feels as if they’re being pressured or finds themself with a disgruntled partner after declining yes they should separate! I don’t think breaking up is a “consequence” of them being vulnerable enough to communicate their feelings more like incompatibility

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Anonymous #3 18h

It just seems like what you explained as the same conclusion regardless. I think the sentiment lies within the incompatibility

6

Anonymous #6 12h

Every situation is different ofc, but I think breaking up with someone you dreamed of dating just because they aren’t always turned on when you are is silly. It’s not really thinking about the long term stuff. Our bodies deteriorate, our memories vanish, and what once was can no longer be. Mismatched sex drives is a good time to practice communication and compromise, figure out the reason for the mismatch and what you could do to make it so that both people are happy.

4

Anonymous #6 10h

I don’t disagree with you. I think in the context you’re imaging that makes perfect sense and would be quite unfortunate to lose someone you care for. I was thinking people whom are dating for a bit and notice things may feel one sided. Not sure how everyone feels about this next sentence from me…but, sex is as much emotionally to us as date night, quality time, gifts, vulnerability, presence, etc.

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Anonymous #6 10h

So someone could feel as torn emotionally from that sexual wellness conflict as they would if 1 partner forgets their favorite thing from a place and feel emotionally neglected that way. Thats why the communication part is so important to pin point why the sex makes one partner feel pressured and unnerve while the other partner may be feeling neglected or confused by lack of their wanted intimacy

2

Anonymous OP 10h

I agree that sex is emotional, maybe not equal to quality time (because of obvious reasons) but I get what you meant. I guess the main difference is I always date to marry. If I date someone, I’ve already decided to share a future with them. This means I’ll always try to work through things. When you date a realize that love is the most important part, you learn to meet the person you love where they are at and grow with them.

5

Anonymous OP 10h

That’s probably why leaving my lover seems ludicrous to me, I mean why would I not meet the love of my life where they are? In my mind we should be able to get through anything... I guess I’m speaking from the mindset of someone who moved past the horny teen years. Looking back, I understand why you think the way you do. But love is a choice and it requires work no matter what. Every relationship will have its struggles. Mismatched sex drives just seems like something light vs the alternatives

6

Anonymous OP 10h

Partners shouldn’t feel pressured or uncomfortable when turning you down. Me and my bf have the same sex drive, but there are occasions where one or the other of us just doesn’t feel like it that night, and neither of us feel an impending retaliation by saying no (which is what it means to feel pressured). If he says not tonight I wouldn’t ever try to pressure or punish him for that.

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Anonymous OP 10h

The way you phrased it made it sound like *you* made them uncomfortable and then you’re breaking up with them because they got uncomfortable. Splitting because you need someone with a higher sex drive and making your partner uneasy with you because you’re pressuring them are two different things. One is okay, one is not.

10

Anonymous OP 10h

Partner A and B are watching a movie. Partner B really likes quality time+movies+relaxing, partner A wants to use all free time on sex. Partner A asks for sex. Partner B politely declines and asks to finish watching the movie. Partner A agrees but gives B the silent treatment. B no longer wants sex with A after movie bcs of the reaction. A asks again before bed. B was having a conversation before that. B says no. A gets annoyed. That’s not a mismatched sex drive. This is what I often see

6

Anonymous #6 10h

I still don’t disagree. I have the same view on love even being younger. Would you stay with someone who chronically takes long gaps between intimacy? If you would. (Whatever way you want to quantify long gaps to have a noticeable effect) Would you feel sad about the lack thereof?

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Anonymous #7 10h

I was trying to pursue someone who said they were asexual bordering aroace and they let me down quickly. Lmao. It’s was respectful convo

3

Anonymous OP 10h

In young people. From my experience partner A+B can talk it out. If they do A might learn that B really likes spending time with them (more than sex, though they still do enjoy it) and feels like A only wants them for sex when they fill all of their free time with it. A throwing a tantrum after a no might make B feel pressured into giving up the time they saved to watch the movie to make B happy. It might also make B avoid sex with A. That’s not just a mismatched sex drive.

2

Anonymous OP 10h

Describe the scenario between the gaps

6

Anonymous #6 10h

I meant make A happy*

6

Anonymous #6 9h

Now let’s say that’s not resolved and A keeps asking for sex during movie time with B. Psychologically B will associate all quality time with A asking for sex. B likes sex. B likes A. But B wishes A would just watch the movie with them first. B avoids A and watches movie by their lonesome. They are happy but they wish A was there. They don’t call A. Two days go by. A calls. They want sex. It’s been two days.

9

Anonymous #6 9h

B feels stressed. B isn’t opposed to sex, but hates that A only seems interested in them when sex is involved. B feels like A doesn’t like simple quality time with A. B is sad because A hangs out with friends just fine but doesn’t with B. A needs sex. A hasn’t had it in a few days. A thinks B is weird for not wanting sex all the time. Now, takeaway: people need to realize that no one thing in a relationship is more important than the other. There is only so much time in a day/week and people

6

Anonymous #6 9h

Work and get busy and life gets hectic. The funny part is, this might have been fixed if A avoided asking during movie time. B really likes movies. B really likes A. Maybe if A waited, B might initiate sex after movie (ofc idk because it’s a random scenario). Maybe B likes it more when A initiates sex (when they aren’t watching a movie or doing things they really enjoy).

4

Anonymous #6 9h

All in all, A is young and horny. We don’t need to demonize them, but sending the message that it’s okay for A to leave and find someone new without getting their behavior in check is not something to normalize. In this scenario we can see that A is being selfish and B is now extremely guarded (it’s a lot easier since both povs are being explained). Many young people do what A did accidentally. Many humans would people respond like B.

6

Anonymous #6 9h

It’s important to understand that B is more than A’s access to sex. B also deserves time where A can feel like a really close friend. A shouldn’t feel entitled to sex. Sex shouldn’t take priority over B’s feelings. Additionally it’s also important to understand that A is not a villain. A might not realize what they are doing (they should but upbringing and friend groups can make some1 struggle to see). Both are young and just need to communicate.

3

Anonymous #6 9h

That certainly does sound like a common experience. We can see in the way you frame the emotional processing is only for person B. We could also give partner A human reactions too. We could say person A feels as though their partner isn’t attracted to them. Your next thoughts would be “why doesn’t he communicate that?”. My answers to that is partner B could’ve communicated as well. Partner B could’ve said they want to have sex after movie.

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Anonymous #6 9h

I won’t lie, I have been A and I have been B a few times in my life. There are many things I wish I did differently. Ofc it’s obvious that A really needs to mature. Hopefully they do so before B no longer feels safe around them. There’s only a matter of time before A will start triggering B’s fight or flight. I personally wish matured before my B left. It took meeting my match to understand.

4

Anonymous #6 9h

Not a flat rejection. Completely hypothetical. Not advice either. But it shows their should be emphasis on mutual understanding and cohesion rather than not trying to attempt to see where your partners head is at when it comes to things you don’t agree or have conflict on

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Anonymous #6 9h

I didn’t see your new comments but that’s good. What if we don’t view person B as “young and horny”? What if they’re their own person with feelings that alot of people could understand critically rather than surface level observation of how their own human actions affect the other partner?

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Anonymous #5 9h

Ask

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Anonymous OP 9h

I think you missed the part where I said they were young. Young people make mistakes. That is why this scenario plays out so often. Yeah B could have said that. Maybe they didn’t think to do so because they were focused on the movie. A could have also could have not gotten an attitude, maybe B would have offered afterwards. Whether the distance was unintentional or not it’s still immature.

5

Anonymous OP 9h

All I’m saying is that if breaking up in this situation is the response you jump to, then maybe wait to date. Like I have implied, communicating would have solved this issue before it became one. These kinds of conflicts come up OFTEN. And yes sex is important, but you should never let it affect how you treat your partner. Your partner still deserves a friend too.

4

Anonymous #6 9h

I guess one could be work related where it’s very understandable yet it does chronically reach points of almost no intimacy and very off bc it feels more like something that has to happen rather the mutual connection and flare. Another is nothing is actually getting in the way it’s just they don’t really like to have sex with you bc of personal preference. This revelation is abrupt- as usually sexual preferences are vetted prior to full on commitment

-1

Anonymous OP 9h

Okay, so I’ll break up my response. For the first one, at first people don’t realize that long term relationships won’t always be as exciting as they once were. People get busy, and naturally someone might feel exhausted from prior commitments. Personally, I’m working through that at the moment. It’s important to remember that relationships aren’t a marathon where you constantly chase highs. You have to function well outside of sex for this exact reason. Because a real relationship is a drive.

2

Anonymous #6 9h

I hear you. But please interact with my point of person B having understandable human feelings rather than dismissal. Because it seems it’s still dismissive. Like you mention communication yes? Why couldn’t the first communication be person B telling A they want quality time watching a movie rather sex. Or telling person A they think they’re being used? It’s all about communication on BOTH ends. No one is a victim or perpetrator. They’re 2 different ppl with different views on things that MUST

-1

Anonymous OP 9h

- be addressed

-1

Anonymous OP 9h

The lack of this realization is likely the reason for the divorce-rates. Relationships will have slow moment, they’re will also be times where it feels like a high speed chase. Just talk. Communication could very well solve this issue. Honestly maybe go out and do something exciting if you really want to break out of that mold. In this case I still don’t see why breaking up is the immediate thought

6

Anonymous OP 9h

Okay now the second one

2

Anonymous #5 9h

Yes ask. It’s terrible and I mean terrible practice to not be direct in your relationship. What you’re saying sounds important no? Have to bring it up. It’s a mutual growing moment

5

Anonymous OP 9h

I hear you. But honestly your readiness to dismiss B’s perspective is a little worrisome. I think you are ignoring the context. B and A are watching a movie. A asks, B politely says no. Did you consider that B is still watching the movie? How is B supposed to know that A felt personally attacked by B’s no? A shuts down afterwards. Yes A is human, but they are not a toddler and don’t have to be babied. Because of their reaction B likely feels unable to say anything but yes.

5

Anonymous OP 9h

And yes BOTH things must be addressed but you also should realize that shutting down that B’s ability to eventually realize that A is upset because they seem bored or grew quite doesn’t mean they HAVE to say something first. A definitely (if they are mature) should say something instead of punishing B for denying them sex

4

Anonymous #6 9h

Whoops ignore the that shutting down part*

2

Anonymous OP 9h

I understand why you think it’s important that A is human and naturally shut down because they didn’t like rejection, but it’s not okay in the real world. It’s also not okay for B to distance herself and avoid A without communicating. However, you must realize that A has already shown B punishment for disagreeing. If your partner doesn’t even feel free to say no without you shutting down why would they feel free to explain themselves?

4

Anonymous OP 8h

The second one seems a bit more tricky I won’t lie. From my experience only one partner has ever done that and it was due to traumas related to sex (I think I made them worse by pressing for it and it reminded them of the experiences, to be fair I didn’t know bcs I wasn’t told until later). This is the one situation where you REALLY must love the person to get through. Believe it or not, communication would solve this one too. Not considering that experience, ask them how frequently they would

6

Anonymous OP 8h

Be willing to have sex. Tell them what how often you imagined having sex. If they say they never want to have sex with you then yes ofc you are incompatible. However, could go without sex and never wanting sex are two different things. Someone people just don’t see it as important, but are still willing to do it for intimate pleasure. For those people, practicing intimacy is good.

8

Anonymous OP 8h

Now if they say they don’t mind having sex like… idk 3 times a week??? Maybe two times per day on those days (this seems normal for working people with average libidos which I assume someone might be). And you say everyday + multiple times per day then you can easily come to a compromise. Maybe 4-6days. Try to decide on safe times to bring up the sex too. Ask if the other person can try and bring it up during the safe times as well so you feel wanted.

4

Anonymous OP 8h

Long story short. No matter what, breaking up just because you feel like you don’t get your way enough doesn’t make sense to me anymore. When you’re in a long term relationship, you meet your person where they are. Even if you break up you still have to just meet the other person where they are too. Sure breaking up is the easy lower energy option, but it’s not efficient in the long run.

4

Anonymous OP 8h

Ofc your partner should also try and meet you where you are. To do that both people need to be mature. It only takes one person to take the step to get there. Taking a step back everytime is silly. If you and can’t get over such an easy test, then neither of you may be prepared for actual life. Serious disagreements like bills 🫩. If you can, then you both have proven your competence and commitment. No point of breaking up. You guys have already learned the hardest lesson.

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Anonymous OP 8h

I just reread my scenario and you’re right I didn’t phrase A correctly. I focused only on my most recent perspective, I should have explained A’s side better in the earlier sections

1

Anonymous OP 7h

yeah that’s how it usually is

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Anonymous OP 6h

I asked already and he said he didn’t i just continue to worry

1