Anonymous OP 22w

this may shock you, but the person pressuring the aroace individual into a relationship for a goddamn year was not, in fact, also aroace. And they did not *tell* me that they had developed feelings for me. Instead, they just pushed for more from me. More cuddle time. More commitment. More saying “I love you,” while waxing uncomfortably poetic at every opportunity they could about how they loved me. “Why don’t you say it back?” was common.

42

Anonymous OP 22w

… during this time, I got told my “love language” was acts of service. A lot. This turned into them asking for the most basic shit from me whenever they could. Hey, could you fill up my water bottle? My legs don’t work, the couch is too comfy. Hey, could you turn on my computer? I wanna watch TV but I don’t want to get up. Hey, can you cook dinner? I’ll do the dishes later. Could you go into my room and grab me snacks? I don’t want to get up. Dozens of times. Every day.

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Anonymous OP 22w

They ALSO started their final internship before graduation a couple months after the relationship started and immediately collapsed. They came home every single day and *begged* me to cook dinner because they had “no spoons,” that every awful thing had somehow happened during the day and then some, that they didn’t want to do ANYYYYTHING because the day had been so hard. Because I had been conditioned to believe I loved them, I caved.

32

Anonymous OP 22w

They did not apply for jobs in their field until after graduation. I encouraged them to. They told me to butt out. Remember this. Remember. This.

31

Anonymous OP 22w

Around this time, their childhood cat died. I’m not going to delve into too much on that, because that was immensely hard and I don’t blame them whatsoever for their reaction.

30

Anonymous OP 22w

And after the grief faded, they started talking about adopting cats. “Our”cats. (they did not have a job. i am of the belief that if you are adopting animals, you need to have your own shit together.) And joint bank accounts. And leases. And I must remind everyone that, according to THEM, they were AROACE, and this was PLATONIC.

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Anonymous OP 22w

So, come June of last year, the situation was such: • Stuck in a “platonic” relationship I didn’t want in the first place where there is never ENOUGH commitment on my end • Constantly pushed for kinkier sex I find uncomfortable as, y’know, an aroace person • Being roped into huge financial commitments that neither of us were ready for and here’s where i drop the hammer that i had ALREADY renewed for next year. when things hadn’t gotten so bad. :)

30

Anonymous OP 22w

I broke up with them after they outright said they were going to go looking for cats to adopt. We still had a lease to live out. I have been stuck in hell since July.

29

Anonymous OP 22w

Remember how I said that because their internship was so hard, they didn’t apply to jobs in their field? I get blamed for this. Daily. “I limited my options to (local area) for you” is the favorite line of supposed reasoning. Keep in mind, they weren’t submitting Any applications during the prime window, despite my encouragement.

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Anonymous OP 22w

Despite failing to land a job in her field, and now living paycheck to paycheck working two minimum wage jobs, she decided to move forward with adopting NOT one, but TWO cats. She could barely afford rent before this. … cats like… stable people. People who don’t scream-cry every day. So now both of her new cats have chosen me as their favorite person, and she RESENTS me for that too.

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Anonymous OP 22w

She’s starting to resent the cats too. That scares me. I come home every day to two kittens jumping all over me and purring and I can’t even fucking enjoy it most of the time because this joy theif is sitting on the couch watching ready to make a biting remark about how “(childhood cat) would be with me right now” or “you two don’t even love me” or “i got cats because i wanted to be loved unconditionally and they chose my ex”

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Anonymous OP 22w

(we had numerous discussions about what would happen in that case. if the cats chose me. she said she’d handle it. ahahahahaha)

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Anonymous OP 22w

And that’s BEFORE we get into how they’ve been handling the breakup. Y’know, of the relationship they spent a year pressuring an AROACE person into and then spent the entire time pretending they were aroace IN while actually developing marriage-level feelings within three months.

27

Anonymous OP 22w

Naturally, it must be MY fault. “Why didn’t you tell me no?!” is a common one. I did. For a year. It didn’t work. “I ruined my life for someone who just didn’t *care* about me as much as I did about them” is another. I love being blamed for not being capable of love. Believe me, if I could change that, I would. Not worth it. This shit sucks.

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Anonymous OP 22w

There are so, so many ways that I get blamed for her current situation. If it’s not the fact I caved to a year’s worth of pressure, it’s the fact I’m not capable of “caring as much.” And if it’s not that, it’s that the relationship is the reason her job hunt didn’t work out (somehow). And if it’s not that, it’s the fact her cats like me. And if it’s not that…

27

Anonymous OP 22w

Every day. Every. Damn. Day. There is something that sets her off. Either something minor happens at work or I don’t react to something in the exact way she wants or I don’t wanna watch her TV shows on MY TV all the time or one of her cats jumps up on me and starts purring or something Not Horrible happens in my day and it triggers another. fucking. wave. of vitriol and frustration. this is a two person apartment. there’s no one else here to shield me. i get the brunt of it all.

26

Anonymous OP 22w

Oh, and she’s *so* worried about appearances. She has outright told me I’m the only person she treats like this. She is *so concerned* about her public image that she uses up all of her energy presenting it and I’m left to deal with what’s underneath the mask.

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Anonymous OP 22w

… i should note, i get constant criticism for not presenting my best self all the damn time. Why didn’t you do the dishes instantly? Why didn’t you notice I ran the dishwasher? Why are you spending so much time in your room, I never see you anymore (and i’ve told you in the past i have panic attacks when i’m alone, so why aren’t you here to fix that?) why didn’t you figure out what we’re having for dinner (for the fifth time this week)? why didn’t you just sit there and CALMLY react to my rant?

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Anonymous OP 22w

on the whole “I never see you anymore” guess who doesn’t have a social life anymore because every time they do something that doesn’t involve roomie there’s another breakdown

29

Anonymous OP 22w

… and with the backstory in place, the context provided, we get into what prompted this post. My roommate graduated last year. I graduate in May. I am currently doing my final internship. First and foremost, absolutely NO understanding. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, I come home wiped every day, and they STILL ask me to do every little goddamn thing so they don’t even have to lift the finger required to stand up off the couch for anything other than the bathroon.

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Anonymous OP 22w

I’ve tried to taper that off. Several times. Every time, the retaliation in terms of behavior is enough to stop me. It’s easier to continue being their fucking servant than it is to deal with the fallout of trying to stop.

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Anonymous OP 22w

(oh and also sometimes they can’t manage the bathroom thing and i have to help them stand up)

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Anonymous OP 22w

This home environment has directly impacted my performance. I can’t get shit done at home unless I wake up at four in the fucking morning so I have a couple hours before they wake up and can Immediately roll out the door. I’ve had multiple stress induced breakdowns. Hell, I’ve had to stay home once due to stress-induced illness!!!

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Anonymous OP 22w

but DESPITE this, I have seen moderate success. my evaluations have gone… okay, on average. my big project is done. and CRUCIALLY, I’ve been applying for JOBS. On monday, I got one. They did not react well.

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Anonymous OP 22w

A small selection of the many, many quotes: • “You ruined my life and I can’t even be mad” • “It’s actually so hard to see you get everything I ever wanted” • “Did you know I applied for this position too? Weeks ago? And I never even heard back while you got it on the first try?” (note - this is literally impossible, as I was offered the interview before the job was even posted)

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Anonymous OP 22w

• “And I’m stuck living paycheck to paycheck paying for two cats who don’t even love me while you reap all the benefits!” • “You’re moving on! Everyone in my life is moving on while I clearly can’t! I just fucking miss feeling like I’m someone’s number one priority, and I never even had that, I just deluded myself into believing I did with someone who never even cared about me like I did them!”

25

Anonymous OP 22w

• “I don’t know how to stop this! You did nothing wrong, but this resentment keeps building! I don’t even know if I can stop treating you like this!” • “Why didn’t you tell me about the job fair?!” (note - the job fair in question is both public and annual. also, after getting roped into doing job searches for them multiple times, I’m kinda done with being forced to take on the responsibility of fixing their life and being blamed when it still sucks).

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Anonymous #1 22w

i knew i was in a dangerous situation when my mother told me to hide my wallet and car keys, even when i’m home, because she didn’t trust “she won’t do something really stupid.” i just straight up don’t know what to do because breaking this lease would be financially ruining. my internship is not paid.

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Anonymous OP 22w

And I’m just… is this abuse? This feels like abuse. But I get constantly told that I’m not emotionally open enough and I react negatively “every time” they show a negative emotion so I’m not sure if it’s a mutual dynamic. And I don’t know what to do

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Anonymous OP 22w

also, i know i’m a pushover. i’m extremely aware that is a contributing factor to this situation. childhood PTSD from parents who only realized you might be neurodivergent after years of increasingly drastic punishments for failing to complete schoolwork on time will do that to you. i’m in therapy, and working on it.

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Anonymous #1 22w

oh my god i completely forgot to mention she crashed her first car lmfao. then MY first car (and she crashed it into the fence at my job, so that almost got me fired), then her replacement car. my replacement car has never, and will never, be under her control. she crashed her replacement car five minutes after i finished my first evaluation where i got good feedback, too. which isn’t even her fault, but damn, I don’t even get to celebrate that, huh

24

Anonymous OP 22w

Ok first things first, there is a possibility that you can break the lease with no penalty to you if you can prove you’re in danger by staying there, so I would look into your local tenant laws pertaining to that. Second, if she EVER gets her hands on your car keys/car, report that shit stolen IMMEDIATELY. Same goes for credit cards or anything else valuable. Finally, stop engaging with her drama. Keep communication to texts and emails, don’t talk to her outside of housing related stuff, and

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Anonymous #2 22w

don’t engage in her attention seeking behaviors. When you are finally in a safe place, cut any and all contact with her.

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Anonymous #3 22w

Nope, not grace.

2

Anonymous #2 22w

Hang on I just realized something: are the cats even legal? Like does the landlord know they’re there? I would report that too because I fear those cats are gonna be her next target once you leave.

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Anonymous #2 22w

…. it’s funny you should ask. The cats were legally adopted through a shelter and the landlord is aware. The part that WASN’T legal, though, was when she went online and bought an “Emotional Support Animal certificate” for both of them in order to dodge pet fees. When I told my therapist about that one, she was shocked, because apparently you can lose your license to practice for handing those out willy nilly.

21

Anonymous OP 22w

… can’t remember if I mentioned she self-diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder off tiktok and uses that as an excuse for All of her shitty behavior. Horrible on its own, even worse when I tell you that I’m PROPERLY diagnosed with ASD from a neuropsychologist and I know for a goddamn fact the disorder doesn’t make you unable to stand upnfrom the couch

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Anonymous OP 22w

Hmm…a lie like that might get her in a lot of trouble if found out…it’d be a shame if someone told the landlord…

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Anonymous #2 22w

It would be, wouldn’t it? But I’m the only one who knows about this. And she knows for a fact that our apartment complex does not audit their resident’s ESA documents, because I used to work the front desk, and she literally asked me for help on the requirements to skip pet fees.

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Anonymous #2 22w

(I told her, just so we’re clear, that under our state’s law, ESA letters could ONLY be given out by a licensed mental health professional. I had really hoped that would be the springboard that would get her into therapy, because she refuses therapy or any outside support whatsoever. She took it to mean “find the website with a psychologist willing to slap a signature on anything” and my coworkers ended up being the ones to process it. I am still very, very infuriated by that outcome)

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Anonymous OP 22w

And now my (properly diagnosed) autistic ass is REALLY pissed. People like her make a bad name for us on the spectrum. She makes it so our genuine limitations seem like us complaining as well as takes up resources that actual autistic people need.

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Anonymous #2 22w

EXACTLY. Exactly!!! And she has NO problem with commenting on OTHER people’s mental health and the legitimateness of their illnesses

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Anonymous OP 22w

A little email with a link to the website and a copy of the letter showing it’s the same person might be enough to show it’s a fraudulent document

14

Anonymous #2 22w

I’ll look into it, but I’m only going to go down that route if it can be ensured that can’t be traced back to me. If I’m the one to get her cats removed, and she knows that, I would fear for my physical safety.

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Anonymous OP 22w

I mean there’s SOMETHING wrong with her but it’s definitely not ASD I can tell you that much. She’s giving narcissism honestly

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Anonymous #2 22w

See I ain’t want to comment on that because i ain’t got the qualifications to assign those labels and i RECOGNIZE that

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Anonymous OP 22w

Oh for sure for sure. All I’m saying is there’s a lot of similarities…

9

Anonymous OP 22w

If reporting fraud is all it would take to make her physically violent then you definitely have a case to break the lease for safety reasons.

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Anonymous #3 22w

I knew a grace that was a mess back in highschool, but I know it’s not them due to the age discrepancy

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Anonymous #4 22w

lol mine should be 24 i think

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Anonymous #3 22w

The grace I knew was like 2 years older than me, so they would be around 25 by now

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Anonymous #6 22w

• if you are able to break the lease, break it. Explain your landlord/rental company that it’s an abuse/DV situation (emotional abuse in the case of a former partner would could as DV). If you need support on how to handle this, please call 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788. There’s also online chat options. There may be legislation in place to protect you while breaking the lease, possibly even something IN the paperwork of your lease

10

Anonymous #6 22w

(If you do decide to break the lease, make sure there is a friend or family member present when you move your stuff out, assuming they don’t leave the house much and you can’t do it while they’re gone. You can also request police to be present while you do this, it’s more common than you think in DV scenarios.)

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Anonymous #6 22w

• Record EVERYTHING. See if you’re in a one-party consent state first, though. if you are: record EVERY CONVERSATION. It’s a lot to sift through, but it’ll add up to a solid case. Document everything said (threats, behavior to purposely cause you emotional harm, etc.) as well, ***WITH TIME AND DATE***, ***REGARDLESS OF YOUR LEGAL ABILITY TO RECORD*** This will be CRUCIAL to showing your lease-holders and/or police that you are in a dangerous abuse situation.

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Anonymous #6 22w

Other than voice memo/literal recordings: take photos of all your valuables, maybe even as a video (if you can do that without being heard?) if you feel like they may damage your property in retaliation. State outright in the video that you are taking it due to concerns over destruction of property as abuse. Send it to that email.

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Anonymous #6 22w

Also do this with the apartment, if you think they would trash it just to get you in trouble alongside them. Again: pictures work if you can’t do video, what’s important is that you have a reason to believe a premeditated event is going to happen, and that you have it time and date stamped to show that this destruction was done on X day. You would be able to take them to small claims court if this were to happen, even real court depending on the costs.

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Anonymous #6 22w

Speaking of court: let’s get legal. Assuming you’re on this app from a university server like 99% of us are (apparently YY merged with an all-ages app so some communities have minors in them 😬 yikes on bikes, but that’s another story for another time), look into your university’s Student Legal Services. You likely paid a small fee to have access to them.

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Anonymous #6 22w

Go to them and explain the situation, they may be able to help you break your lease under some sort of special circumstances or otherwise press charges in case there’s (god forbid) damaged/stolen property, physical violence, or other issues that would catch a case.

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Anonymous #6 22w

If this housemate is as unstable as you describe, it may be worth seeing if they can have a restraining order (AKA a PPO, DVPO or 50B order) put on them if you are in danger of being harmed. This *might* only happen if there’s physical violence, but it’s worth a shot (or there is already physical violence and you either didn’t mention it or I didn’t process it while reading. If it was me, my apologies!)

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Anonymous #6 22w

btw: PPO – Personal Protection Order DVPO – Domestic Violence Protection Order

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Anonymous #6 22w

If you are successful in getting some form of protection order, you will likely have to leave the property. It may be too dangerous to force them out, but that’s something police and the legal system would have to decide iirc.

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Anonymous #6 22w

Regardless of whether you plan to adopt them or not, get legal counsel regarding the cats as well. Either they will be treated (legally) as property, or if your roommate neglects/abuses them in any way, this can be seen as grounds for forfeit. (Record these incidents too, if you can. Even just date/time/quick description in your notes app)

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Anonymous #6 22w

If you can prove (receipts/card info) that you are buying most of the supplies for the cats, you will likely be considered the legal owner. This includes vet bills. If you do not want them, discuss this will legal counsel and they’ll direct you. If for some insane reason you don’t get legal counsel: call your local ASPCA or equivalent and explain the situation and that the cats are likely to be neglected in your absence.

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Anonymous #6 22w

It was almost brought up that she committed fraud by acquiring a fake ESA letter to avoid pet fees AND faking an autism diagnosis. What are the legal repercussions for that, if any?

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Anonymous #6 22w

(Also, regarding documentation of any interactions of note with the cats: screaming at, hitting, or otherwise causing the animal distress are all examples of animal abuse. It’s not just the stuff you hear about on the news. Neglect includes inability to clean the litter boxes in a timely manner, inability to feed regularly/at right amounts, etc.)

5

Anonymous #6 22w

I think that’s all off the top of my head tbh. I’ll come back if I have any other things to add. OP, you’ve got this. Remember: the strongest steel is forged in the fires of adversity. You will make it out of this, you just need to plan out *how*. I believe in you, and am wishing you nothing but the best! 💙

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Anonymous #2 22w

If they can *prove* the fake ESA somehow (ex: they’re in a one-party consent state and OP records the convo, it’s blatantly mentioned in a text, etc.), it will then depend of the state. (1/)

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Anonymous #6 22w

For example, if you got caught for it in MI it’s a misdemeanor punishable by 60-90 days in jail, up to $500 in fines, and/or 30 days community service. Meanwhile, in OH they’ve implemented ways to prevent illegal ones from being recognized, but those that fall through the cracks have to then meet that state’s definition of an “ESA”. TL;DR — it’s a state-by-state thing, and depend of what state OP is in. (2/2)

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Anonymous #8 22w

if you don’t have many close friends, try and lean on the less close ones too. i know it’s super awkward and vulnerable, and that’s the last thing you want, but in my experience people are usually super willing to help. you also don’t have to tell them everything! “hey i’m fighting with my roommate and i can’t deal with it tonight, could i crash on your floors?” is absolutely fine

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Anonymous #8 22w

also, to answer your actual question: yes, it’s abusive. but i also want to gently suggest that you absolutely don’t need to find “proof” that it’s “bad enough” to leave. it’s unhealthy. it’s harming your health and your school/internship. you don’t have to have a “reason” to leave - you just don’t want to be there, and that’s enough

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Anonymous #6 22w

Almost forgot: might be worth making a throwaway account and explaining the situation to r/legaladvice on Reddit. Give enough info so they can help, but not enough that you can be identified by your descriptions. It’s no substitute for legal advice, but it’s a good place to start!

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Anonymous #6 22w

The roommate bragged about using a website to buy it so it could be a matter of showing the website with the “psychologist” that is advertising these fake letters and the letter submitted with the signature matching the name.

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Anonymous #6 22w

#6, I was out on errands when you were writing this. This might be the most help I’ve ever gotten here. Thank you so much for your time and effort, and I will be implementing several of your suggestions. (also, quick aside - NO animal abuse has happened yet. the resentment is, right now, reserved to the realm of language only i can understand)

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Anonymous #8 22w

thank you so much

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Anonymous #6 22w

ANY letter that comes from online is fake. These letter mills are all illegal and are usually pretty obvious. Real letters, come from doctors you are a patient of. IE you can google the doctor’s name and a real doctor with an email or phone number comes up (or it’s on the letterhead) that the police can contact that can confirm you’ve had MULTIPLE sessions with (established relationship). The roommate cannot prove this and neither can the doctor, if they even exist

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Anonymous OP 22w

of course! from one aroace to another, know that you will absolutely find the types of love you want in your life. you’re doing great, stay safe, and i hope you keep us updated 💚🤍🩶🖤🩶🤍💜

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Anonymous #10 22w

like your perception of reality, of how bad things really are, and how much of it is your fault. i see you asked if it’s a mutually abusive dynamic, and the simple answer is no, reacting negatively to abuse is not the same as being abusive. abusers just want you to think it is. i truly hope you make it out of this situation safely, and that you have the support and resources you need

3